Tonight is the big night for everyone in the movie business, I bet Charlie Sheen's apartment looks like Hoth right now. I apply every year to be a seat filler and get rejected for the same stupid reason. They say my shiny black head would stick out on TV, yet I see Mace Windu there every year, go figure. I don't see too many movies, but I thought I would put my predictions out there because that seems to be what people with blogs do these days.
Best Picture: Black Swan. The main actress in that movie seems oddly familiar. I could see us dating and possibly having twins together. I liked Inception, but I could never tell whether I had dozed off or if that was part of the movie. 127 Hours just doesn't impress me, guy only lost one arm and no burns and he's some hero for surviving? The Social Network was ok, but if you are going to make a movie about a social network, why do Facebook instead of Friendster, isn't everyone slowly moving to Friendster? I used to watch a porn on Hoth that I think was called Winter's Bone, I hope this isn't the same movie.
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. This is really a makeup award for when he got screwed out of Best Actor in Big Lebowski. Everyone liked True Grit, but I couldn't understand a word Mr. Bridges was saying in that movie. I have never even heard of Biutiful, is that a typo in that name? I never saw the King's Speech, sounds like the kind of movie that critics would like and normal people would walk out of after 20 minutes.
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. To be honest, I liked him a lot more in American Psycho, I used to blast Huey Lewis and the News before force choking my girlfriends. I am ready to forgive him for stealing my outfit for Batman, so I think he wins this. Jeremy Renner was much better in The Hurt Locker, I was kind of hoping he would fail to detonate a bomb in The Town and the movie would just end. Saw the first 15 minutes of The Kids are Alright. That movie was not alright at all, it was terrible and slow and there were no lightsaber duels.
Best Actress: Natalie Portman. I mean we are still technically married. Seeing her with Mila Kunis in the Black Swan sex scene was amazing, I just wish she'd have invited me along. I haven't seen these other movies, but Rabbit Hole sounds like a really bad pornography, so with Winter's Bone and Rabbit Hole, we got a real porny sounding Best Actress movie list.
Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld. I'm surprised Justin Timberlake wasn't nominated for this one from his turn in The Social Network, so I guess I will go with Hailee.
There is so much wrong going on here, I just don't even know where to begin.
1. Why would this guy chose Admiral Ackbar as the character to portray on the most important day of his life. Really? Some secondary Star Wars character who only appears in one movie? Maybe aim a little higher? Try Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker, even Han Solo would be alright. You are dressed as a human sized crustacean that looks like he should be cut up and brought to a lobster bake. I mean, your kids are already going to think you were a huge loser, so why not pick a character casual fans will at least recognize and respect.
2. I guess even Slave Leia can become a registered justice of the peace these days, but needless to say, that does not do a lot to class up the proceedings. Good news is, with that mask the groom can secretly stare at her exposed chest while he promises to protect his new wife in sickness and in health.
3. Is the bride in some kind of a terrible Leia costume? It doesn't even look like it to me, I think she may be attempting to opt out of the Star Wars theme here. Newsflash, if your husband is dressing up in a rubber Admiral Ackbar mask and your minister is Slave Leia, wearing the nice white dress you dreamt about as young girl isn't convincing anyone you got married in a nice traditional, white wedding.
4. At least they found a pine tree for the middle of their altar to provide a brown, rather dull background. Nobody would want flowers or a nice sunset ruining the Forest Moon of Endor theme they've got going, so good for them.
Don't get me wrong, I wish these two the best, my marriage worked out great and I'm sure yours will too.
So today, on a blog I have never heard of, by a guy who definitely doesn't spend most of his time in his basement playing with action figures at age 33, I got the honorable mention spot in the Top 10 Most Hilariously Evil Villians on Twitter. He said that I "somehow manage to be homeless, sad and humorous all at the same time," which I think is probably true. It is actually a pretty nice honor, and I hate to admit it, but it is probably the best thing that has happened to me since that time I farted while Palpatine was walking behind me and yawning so that the stench filled his disgusting little mouth.
