Happy Valentine's Day

I hope everyone is having a better Valentine's Day than I am, maybe on a romantic date or at home with some Champagne and a sexy lady wearing a golden bikini. The only Valentine I got this year was this card from a Stormtrooper. While I am flattered, there are two issues. First, I'm not gay, and I don't recall any female Stormtroopers, although the Empire may have changed its policies since I left. Second, how am I supposed to know which Stormtrooper this is from? White helmet, white body armor, medium height and no signature, could be any one of them. So if my mystery Stormtrooptress Valentine is out there, please get in touch. I am very lonely and have very low standards, so you don't need to worry about rejection on my end.

via http://captain-disaster.tumblr.com/

Darth Vader Super Bowl Commercial

First off, Volkswagen is using my likeness, playing my song and making a joke about my religion and you know how much money I get from this? $0. George Lucas is probably buying himself a new gold-plated rollercoaster for Skywalker Ranch. As the oldest living Skywalker, you would think I might get something for those naming rights too, but Lucas won't even reply to my texts. 

Second, a message for the kid. I love your hustle, love the outfit, keep at it. If I am being honest, I am not sure the Force is strong with this one, but maybe you could eventually become a Stormtrooper or take a desk job with the Evil Empire.

Sexy Star Wars Tattoo

While this tattoo gets me a little excited, I really don't appreciate this floozy celebrating the impending death of thousands of hard working empire employees. That was a hard day for anybody with a friend or family member working at the Death Star. After a few kids and some stretch marks, this thing is going to look more like the Death Star after Luke attacked. Then that tattoo stops being sexy and becomes an indistinguishable birthmark. So, best of luck to you sweetheart, make sure you think long and hard the next time you're drunk and want a Millennium Falcon tramp stamp.