Ask Darth 2

It's that time again.  Where I field some questions from my audience because I'm bored and definitely not because of any court order demanding journal entries for a drunken disorderly charge last April.  I'll never admit it was me.  Anyway, got a few questions in the mail bag today, so here it goes:

Hi, Darth. Up-and-coming genocidal warlord here. I have moments where I don't want to kill every living thing I see. You know, sometimes I see an ewok and I just want to kick it in the gut instead of [doing really weird stuff]. Is this dangerous? What can I do to prevent this?

--Zeke

Are you sure it wasn't just a big cat you saw?  Last time I checked Ewoks were still chucking rocks at a guy holding a blaster, so unless you have the power of intergalactic flight I think you are fibbing.  Either way, Zeke I think it's safe to say you are totally effed in the head.  But you know what, I like your vibe.  Not sure why, but I bet you are a guy who enjoys scotch and a nice pair of slacks, much like myself.  Party on.

Hey Death From Above,

After watching this movie, Despicable Me, I have grown an unhealthy obsession with shrink guns. I would like to ask. What's your favourite type of gun, and why?

--Abel

Well Abel I have no idea what a shrink gun is b/c cartoon movies are for chicks and kids under 12.  If you are one of those then I apologize, but you should still look at yourself in the mirror.  My favorite (notice my method of spelling as opposed to yours) gun is the one people think I'm holding when I force choke the eff out of them for calling me fat, I mean...wait...forget it.

Darth, someone tweeted the below inspirational quote that sounds like gibberish to me. Can you help me make sense of it?
"The day that you allow emotions to fuel your desire is the day you’ll turn your life around."

--@uslackr

Wow, well I guess that person is an idiot.  "Emotions to fuel your desire"?  Isn't that like saying "your ideas to fuel your thoughts"?  Just a nothing comment, right?.  Not to mention how is this supposed to turn your life around.  When has anything ever been done in a day?  I can't even clean my box in one day.  God this makes me so angry I just threw up all over myself.  Sure I am drunk, but I'm angry too.  If I were you, @uslackr I would stop all contact with this person, or at the very least start a vicious rumor about them. 

DD,

How do you poop in that suit?

Jeff Gordon

Get a life Jeff, Dupont is for chicks and you can't win a race to save your life.  If this isn't the NASCAR driver then take your coprophilia and hit the road b/c Darth plays between the lines.  No weird fetishes for me, unless you count the sand people,  but I don't.

Darth,

Thinking about wearing a cape when I go out and do errands so I feel more like a superhero and less like an average guy.  Do people respect you more when you wear a cape?

--Bono

Hmmm, that's a tough one Bonor.  Can I call you bonor?  At times the cape can be an excellent accessory, like when you are covering your face from people throwing food at you, in need of a towel while lying on the beach or pretending to fly.  But, other times it can be a nuisance.  Take for example swimming?  Just drags you down.  Starting a fire?  have you seen polyester burn?  And, don't even get me started on playing Dance, Dance Revolution.  Worst 30 seconds of my life.  Roller skiing can go either way b/c there is serious tripping in traffic threat, but sometimes it just makes you look so dynamic.  So to answer your question...maybe?

That's it for this week.  Please send in your questions to DVader3333@gmail.com and I'll do my best to provide annoying answers.  Drive fast and take chances.

xoxoxo

Darth

Homeless Ewok on Christmas

Most of you probably feel bad for this poor, cute, little Ewok on Christmas, begging on the side of the road, trying to get a ride home to Endor, with no job to support the many Ewoks he has probably fathered with multiple women. I say, get a job buddy. See that McDonalds in the distance, they could certainly use a cashier. That Chevron back there? Gas doesn't pump itself, apply for a job. This is why we should have just blown up Endor when we had the chance. The Dark Side doesn't believe in helping people, even on Christmas.

Picture thanks to @the_subcon.

Ask Darth

New feature here on deep thoughts called "Ask Darth".  I get literally thousands of emails from fans asking me my opinion on their issues and questions.  OK it's more like hundreds...fine I can count them on my robotic hands, but that is neither here nor there.  You send me questions, I'll send you answer...write that down.  So here we go:

Dear Darth, I've been dating my boyfriend for some time now and I want to take our relationship to the next level, how should I do it?
--Mary

Well Mary I would have to ask you what do you mean by the "next level"?  We talking bringing an Ewok into the mix or you just trying to move in together.  Need specifics people!  I can't help you if I don't know what you are talking about.


Hey DD, need to get a gift for my mom for Xmas, any ideas?
--Harold

Well ass, my mom is dead, so go eff yourself.  And, don't call me DD.  Depressed Darth, Darth or Death From Above is fine.

Darth, my father has anger issues and he has tried to hurt me multiple times.  He's kind of obsessed with this old guy at his office and I think they are in some cult.  Any advice?
--Duke Highgawker

Eff sakes Luke give it a rest I said I was sorry about your hand!  Such a whiner.

Darth, I sometimes have trouble relating to other people and don't have a lot of friends.  I feel like we have a lot in common, so I just wanted to know if you had any advice.
--Jon

No, no, we are not a lot alike.  You are a huge loser and I kill people.  Please lose my email address.


Hi Darth my name is Jamie.  I feel like I am sad all the time and...

You know what Jamie I am just going to cut you off right there b/c you are pathetic.  Jesus this is going horribly.  OK I am done for the week.  I need to head to the shelter to shake down some hobos for their belongings.  Guy named Stinky Steve keeps stealing my change cup, so I need to supplement my begging income somehow.  Looking for actual questions from viewers to spice this feature up.  The more questions I get the better this will be so send your questions to DVader3333@gmail.com.  Just remember, I don't really care.  Till next week...

xoxoxo
Darth

Really Star Wars Family?

OK, let's dissect this for a second.  We got a pregnant Han Solo.  Do I even need to continue?  Fine, I will.  Darth has brown hair down to HER shoulders and I have no idea what the dude in the leather with the lightsaber is doing, but I am guessing there is an S&M party he is late for.  Also, thanks for showing up uncle Steve A.K.A "guy with a beer and an A's hat".  I mean what?  I get that you are fans, but come on...pregnant Han!  George Lucas rolled over in his grave nine times and he isn't even dead yet.  And for eff's sake uncle Steve I know you are an A's fan, but throw on a Chewbacca mask or something.  The only one I actually like here is the weird little dude with the yoda hat on, b/c yoda was a weird little dude and this kid clearly does not want to be in the picture.  And kudos to the other little dude who is clearly taking this seriously, you are going to live a long and probably sad life.  Maybe uncle Steve is the only normal one in this whole family.  Guy just said eff it, I'm getting hammered...speaking of which.

xoxoxo Darth

Groupon, we need to talk



Listen Groupon.  From one supreme galactic ruler to another, your story is starting to sound a little too familiar.  Humble upbringings to command immense amounts of power?  Offered to join one of the largest empires in the world only to turn them away?  I think you know what comes next.  Look, I've been there.  You probably have a kid somewhere that is telling you not to join the empire, right?  Well maybe not, but let me tell you something you might not know...things didn't turn out well for me.  Yeah you think you can do it all yourself and yeah you may be using money for a pillow, but how long can it last?  When you have an empire come along and offer you 6Bn galactc credits now may not be the time to take the moral high ground.  I mean I threw the emperor down a huge weird tube into space and where did that get me?  Unemployed with an empty soul.  Just think what I could be doing if I accepted his offer.  Ruling Ewoks, slapping Chewbacca, partying with Lando (sigh).  Tell you what I would not be doing...begging for change, but guess what?  Just do me a favor, if you have some odd back door to your headquarters that is mysteriously unguarded, maybe throw an extra storm trooper or grouptrooper or whatever you guys have back there, just sayin.  Also, when you guys go public are the shares going to be sold as a Groupon? 

xoxoxo Darth