Camping on Endor

Have you ever had warm Ewok on a Graham cracker with chocolate melted on it? That'll make you forget the pain of a dead wife and estranged kids pretty quickly. The hardest part about roasting Ewoks on a campfire is that if you put them too close to the flame, their hair catches on fire, but if you hold them too far away, the middle never gets warm. You gotta find hot embers to put them near, get them golden brown and pull them out before they light up. I could sit around a campfire all night. I love a good ghost story, although most of them end with some dead Jedi coming back and scaring everyone saying "Use the Force," but just being out in nature is enough for me.

Funny Lego Vader Video

They got one thing right here, I love asking people "Do you know who I am?" when I don't get my way. Most people roll their eyes, mumble Darth Vader and tell me to wait in line just like everyone else, but I like to give it a shot. Fact is, I barely have the heart to kill anyone with a force choke anymore. At worst, I will make your throat feel a little snug, like wearing a small turtleneck, but I just don't have the energy to go around killing people. So I usually just head to the end of the line and wait like a pathetic Storm Trooper.

Occasionally, I will recite a catch phrase from my Death Star days, but it's really not worth it. Telling a Taco Bell employee "I have altered the deal, pray I don't alter it any further," when you want a free Chalupa seems like a tough guy act, but more often then not, you just end up with spit in your taco and nothing for free. I got arrested last week when a mall cop saw me stealing a pair of cargo shorts from The GAP. I thought I could intimidate him when he put his taser down by saying, "you are unwise to lower your defenses!" He just picked it up again and gave me 10,000 volts to the scrotum. So that went well.

Also, if I ever have grandchildren who will talk to me, I am definitely getting them a set of Star Wars Legos that include Jar Jar. In fact, since I can't get funding for Death Star III, maybe I will just build one out of Legos, blow up a pretend Endor with it and feel like a successful Dark Lord for 15 minutes of my pathetic life.

Via

Sexy Leia Carwash

Has Leia fallen this far? I admit I wasn't always there for her, and I know most porn stars grow up in bad family situations, so maybe I am partly to blame. I just wish she would use her mind more. Her mitichlorian count has to be pretty high, and she seemed like a pretty good rebel leader. There has gotta be something she can do that doesn't involve selling her body like this, but I will say, it certainly looks like she is keeping up with her yoga, no?
From: BarstoolSports

Ham Solo

If that isn't a no good, stuck up, scruffy looking nerf ham, I don't know what is. I like that someone, somewhere took a perfectly good piece of ham and spent quite a bit of time making tiny a costume to turn their ham into Han Solo. The craftsmanship on that vest is exquisite, and that toupee must have taken professional stylists a few weeks to perfect. I really like the background. That looks like a 5th grade individual head shot backdrop. Too bad they didn't spend the extra $3 and get one with the lasers, that always looked cool. All in all, great Ham Solo.

From: Skuyum

Charlie Brown Winning

Does this mean I need to trademark my thoughts too? Just kidding. My cold, dead heart even laughed a little at this.
From: Peanuttweeter

Lightsabers

I know from experience that you can rule out "Save the Galaxy." That's for bleeding-heart do-gooders and rebel scum. I tried "Sell to Highest Bidder," but eBay and Amazon kept taking down my posts as an "Unsafe Listing." "Become a Ruthless Killer" seems pretty reasonable to me, but I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone.
What really strikes me is the likelihood of "Immediate, Accidental Self-Dismemberment." As Star Wars fans, you all remember me cutting Luke's hand off, and Dooku cutting mine off, but the majority of lightsaber injuries are actually accidental. I can't tell you how many insurance deductibles we had to pay from some stupid Storm Trooper seeing my lightsaber, treating it like a toy and slashing another Storm Trooper's arm off. At BBQ's, I would set my lightsaber up as a bug zapper, but inevitably, someone would have too many Arnold Palmers and stumble into it losing an ear or finger in the process. I even took a few trips to the Death Star infirmary after trying to use my lightsaber to slice a bagel before having my morning coffee. All told, this graph is probably reasonably representative, and would be more convincing if the designer hadn't done it in crayon.

From: DawgFarker

I'm Not That Impressed

"The Office of Naval Research has been working away on a suite of futuristic weapons, but it's hard to think of anything that could out-gun its free-electron laser, which by the mid 2020s, should be capable of slicing straight through 2,000 feet of steel every second."

So I toil away, homeless, alone and hungry, while the US Navy is touting the fact that they developed a weapon my Empire had years ago. In fact, long, long ago. I know the rebels stole the plans for the Death Star, but its not like we didn't have a few copies too, and as the leader of the project, I saw them a couple times. I also built a droid and a pod-racer before age 10, so I am pretty sure I could handle explaining how to build a fancy little laser that blows up planets. So US Navy, before you blow your whole budget on figuring out how to attach that giant laser to an orbiting, moon-sized space station, give me a call. I have a couple insights and I will work for cheap. Especially if you let me use the laser on weekends to settle a few scores. Coming for you Yoda.

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