Horror movie about Santa...wait what?!?!

Seriously?!?  Darth took some strange pills last night, but am I reading this right?  Just saw a trailer for the upcoming movie titled "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale".  I have to admit when I first read the title, I thought "OK, fine I'm on board so far, whatever.  Cheesy xmas movie about saving santa or something, got it."  Then I looked at the poster and there are dudes with guns and effing Santa looks like the emperor in a cage, so I was intrigued.  I am going to go through the description of this movie and will let you all judge this insanity.  Picture the typical movie overtone voice and someone trying not to burst out laughing at this non-sense, my comments are in italics:

 It's the eve of Christmas in northern Finland and an "archeological" dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus. (First off, no way there is serious archeology going on when they put archeological in quotes.  What is that supposed to imply?  Yeah it's Finland, we get it they're weird.)  But this particular Santa isn't the one you want coming to town (Time the eff out, where are we going here). When all the local children begin mysteriously disappearing (Get the eff out of here, I'm now just paying attention to see how crazy this gets), young Pietari and his father Rauno, a reindeer hunter by trade (HA!!  This has to be a joke, who green lit this project Gary Busey?), capture the mythological being and attempt to sell Santa to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. Santa's elves, however, will stop at nothing to free their fearless leader from captivity (as they should, but like what is Santa's end game here?  Why was he frozen?  What do the elves do when he isn't captured?  When it comes to chicks is it only stalking if you're ugly?). What ensues is a wildly humorous (Way to slip the "humorous" line in there to make us think this wasn't supposed to be a horor movie before it was screen tested) nightmare - a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality (ahhh, so it's a movie about a rampaging Santa that will make you question you own belief system and the very foundation of how you define yourself as a person, got it). RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE is a re-imagining of the most classic of all childhood fantasies, and is a darkly comic gem soon to be required perennial holiday viewing (I couldn't agree more).

Now obviously there are weird movies out there, but this one is FEATURED on Apple movie trailers.  Featured.  Featured.  It's like Steve Jobs is just laughing at me b/c I'm obviously going to watch the trailer and it's obviously going to confuse the shit out of me.  I highly suggest you check this trailer out, if not to see the weirdest thing in your life, then to ensure you will never, ever travel to Finland.  Ever.

I'll leave you with the tagline: "He knows if you've been naughty.  He knows if you've been nice.  And he doesn't give a shit."  Ahhh, christmas.

Darth