Ask Darth 3

  

Sorry for the delay in the Ask Darth posts. Things get a little dicey around tax time in the Vader household. Apparently you can't deduct Death Star construction materials, but somehow I still own $5.8 mill in penalties because I wasn't paying the stormtroopers. As far as I'm concerned letting those lazy bastards live was payment enough considering how useless they were. Please send questions to DVader3333@gmail.com with "Ask Darth" in the subject line. Here we go:


Dear Darth, my once great allies the Trandoshans, have turned on me and my army is having trouble taking up the responsibilities that the Trandos once had. Do you have any advice? -Elegost

This is not the way I envisioned this blog starting. Umm, what?

(Editors Note: I Googled Elegost and found out he is a lord of the rings character.  I'm trying to solve real problems and this guy is asking lord of the rings questions. Darth is getting upset and we are 1 question in...)

This is What I'm Dealing With

I mean are you even trying? Seriously? At least pretend to care about your jobs, I don't think that's too much to ask. People wonder how I got where I am today? Well this is the sort of effort that lead to the empire's downfall.  Just outright disdain for my authority. The worst part is I couldn't even fire these guys because of their damn unions. You may think force-choking is harsh, but it's easier to beat a murder rap in the empire than actually fire someone. Upside-down world I lived in I guess. I actually found this on a stormtrooper's blog too, just laughing right in my face.

Terrifying

This is by far the scariest thing I have ever seen. Two chicks on a baseball field, zzzzziiiiinnngggg!!

Wookies...Who Needs 'Em

This is why I never allowed Wookies on the Death Star: loud,
combative, and most of them aren't potty trained.

Darth Got Busted

Darth Vader Vs. Japanese Police - The most popular videos are a click away

This is what it has come to. You think this is a parody, but this happened last Thursday. You see how slow that gun was moving? That is literally all I have left. But, that second video where the guy breaks the lightsaber was total fabrication. His hand would literally be severed off, so let's just hold the phone right there. Darth isn't what he used to be, but grabbing a lightsaber is still grabbing a lightsaber. The cops were surprisingly gentle considering they were arresting me for force-tripping joggers in the park. Hey, a Darth's gotta do what a Darth's gotta do right?

Times are tough...

 

This is from the folks over at www.generallyawesome.com. Thanks for catching me just waking up from a nap. Yeah, that's right I wasn't going to the bathroom I was napping. It was raining out and if the union is going to pay me time and a half for over-time, turns out I am going to take advantage of that ten times out of ten. So, next time you have the option of getting the premium porto-potties versus your basic hole in the ground kind, opt for the cheaper one b/c the seats in this palace are way to comfortable not to nod off for an hour or four.
---DD

Charlie Sheen Wars?

As I just tweeted I am already completely tired of this whole Charlie Sheen thing. If another person finishes a mundane statement about something they did today with the phrase "winning" or sends me another chain email with the best of Charlie Sheen's quotes from the past couple weeks, I am going to lose my mind. No one has tiger blood, no one is going to take Charlie Sheen before they go to a party this weekend and melt their face off. Most of us will finish work Friday, grab Taco Bell on the way home, drink a couple Miller Lights and fall asleep watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Not exactly a bitchin' rock star from Mars partying with porn stars and cocaine.


That being said, this movie is pretty awesome. When you have a funny, bi-polar actor on drugs going insane, and you add in the most bad-ass villain in the history of cinema, you get something great. I say watch it, revel in my glory, get your last laughs in at these Charlie Sheen quotes, and then lets all move on.


Video via - Tatooine_


Also funny - Charlie Sheen Quotes As Told By Superheroes

This is Why the Empire Fell

You people see what I am working with here? When those guys have all of their gear on, you could mistake them for a lean, mean fighting machine. This is what they really look like. Little secret, the Death Star was near bankruptcy when Luke finally put us out of our misery, mostly because we were spending $75 per day on our Stormtrooper's fast food habits. It was Tarkin's idea to put a full food court in, that guy loved Panda Express. Do you know much gasoline it takes to keep a moon sized space station with thousands of morbidly obese soldiers in orbit? After we destroyed the rebel base on Endor, our next move was going to be to attack Iraq and liberate their oil fields for Empire use. By the end, I was force choking guys because we couldn't afford to buy any more XXL Stormtrooper armor. My suggestion for this guy is to get involved in some outdoor activities, maybe go for a jog, do a couple sit-ups or take a long walk. But for god sakes, put some clothes on.