Darth is Moving the Blog

OK, so I've been pooling my panhandling money for the past two years and bought my own domain. Check out www.DepressedDarth.com. You should be redirected in 6 seconds...party.

Darth Vader Needs a Job

So, it’s high time I got out and hit the job market. To start with I thought I would throw together my resume, but I think the highlights are pretty obvious: 1) Dominated the force 2) Crushed it 3) Killed it. Any questions? Yes I may have been into some weird shit back in the day, couple DUI’s in my Tie fighter and yes I ended up vomiting in my helmet when the cop pulled me over. But, the past is the past and if you take a look at this photo I think it says one thing: WINNER. Underneath that shirt I am wearing my #1 Dad t-shirt and no I don’t think that is hypocritical at all. I will hammer the phones and I will hammer the competition…hire me.

Summer Style from Darth

So because I joined the Dark Side I'm not allowed to make any wardrobe choices? I am supposed to just wear black on black, day-in and day-out? What if Darth wants to show a little style? I think I look great here. Bright colors are in this summer and if you are going to wear a cape, why not make it a turqoise silk cape?

Via DanKelly81

My Cats Are All I've Got

When you lose your arms and legs, and your position as the leader of the Empire, you find friends wherever you can. I call that short one that can't reach the ball of string, Yoda. He's not my favorite, so I tease him a lot. I have a really fat one I call Jabba, and that black one there is Lando. I totally understand why lonely old ladies get so many cats. Throw a little catnip on the floor and watch them lose their minds. I haven't giggled like that since Alderaan blew up.

Via DwreckM

Oops I Crapped My Pants

So, long story short I shit my pants today. Was at the local army navy store, felt that sinking feeling in my stomach, dropped the two graphic tees and Vietnam era jacket I had and made a run for it. I hopped in my 82 Dodson and was off. For about 5 minutes I thought I was going to make it, but no...wasn't meant to be. I was screaming out the window at drivers, which is tough for me with this voice box, and slowly but surely it just crept out like Han after a one-nighter. I slammed my car into the closest parking spot I could find, ran for some trees and unleashed hell. After I was finished burning the evidence and bathing in a local pond I came back to find my car with a parking ticket. Honestly though, best $25 I ever spent. There is something about that feeling when you are about to shit yourself. You would literally trade anything for a toilet and a locked door. If yoda himself had walked up to me and offered me a toilet if I turned away from the dark side I would have done it faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Give up women? Done, I don't get any anyway. Never drink ice cold delicious Bud Light again? For sure! Stop watching Dawson's Creek? Eff that I'd just crap everywhere. Nothing can keep me from Pacey...nothing.

DD

Worst Movie Synopsis Ever?

Quick movie review here kids. Now, let me start by saying I have never seen this movie, have not seen the trailer and will never see this movie. All I needed was to read the synopsis that was provided BY THE MOVIE STUDIO. The synopsis is in italics, my comments in bold:

Since a few decades they were watching us. (We are not off to a good start. SINCE a few decades? Yoda sounds more intelligent) Studying us. What are they? Nobody knows. Nobody but Ivan Petrenko Karkarov. The Russian physicist started to study a phenomenon which was occurring since several decades. (I think Ivan should spend some time studying the use of the word "since" instead of this phenomenon.) In 1982 he found an answer to the strange phenomenon but before he could tell anyone he mysteriously vanished. (Figures. Russians are always taking off when you need them most. Like that hot Russian military chick in "Spies Like Us". What happened to her? I'd blow up 50 Alderaans to find her.) 30 years later, in Newell Iowa, Dean Hollister seems to be a normal guy until strange radar anomalies appear throughout the world. (No one named Dean is ever a normal guy. Han had a brother Dean and the guy was a total nut case. Exposed himself to young Jedis on the regular.) All of a sudden something starts to happen at the sky, black rifts appear. (Honesty I am more interested in who wrote this than I am these rifts in the sky. "...something starts to happen at the sky." Shakespeare eat your heart out.) Behind those rifts something is moving. It's watching us. (Bam...Oscar.)

If they want a movie they should just march who ever wrote this up on screen and have him speak for an hour and a half, comedic gold. Would love to know who approved this non-sense. "No, no you can use the word since in almost any manner you like, it's like the word prego in Italian, just throw it around willy nilly." Wow, just wow. My question is how does this go to theaters, but Blue Crush 2 goes straight to dvd? It ain't right!


Just so people know I'm not kidding: The Rift

DD

Happy 4th of July!!

I don't like Yoda one bit. He is an tiny, booger-colored Jedi who can't form a proper sentence to save his life. But when he is right, he is right. Just a bunch of awesome fireworks going off in the background, lightsaber drawn, looking like he can actually fight with his 900 year old, bad back. So from Yoda and Darth, Happy 4th of July.