Ask Darth

New feature here on deep thoughts called "Ask Darth".  I get literally thousands of emails from fans asking me my opinion on their issues and questions.  OK it's more like hundreds...fine I can count them on my robotic hands, but that is neither here nor there.  You send me questions, I'll send you answer...write that down.  So here we go:

Dear Darth, I've been dating my boyfriend for some time now and I want to take our relationship to the next level, how should I do it?
--Mary

Well Mary I would have to ask you what do you mean by the "next level"?  We talking bringing an Ewok into the mix or you just trying to move in together.  Need specifics people!  I can't help you if I don't know what you are talking about.


Hey DD, need to get a gift for my mom for Xmas, any ideas?
--Harold

Well ass, my mom is dead, so go eff yourself.  And, don't call me DD.  Depressed Darth, Darth or Death From Above is fine.

Darth, my father has anger issues and he has tried to hurt me multiple times.  He's kind of obsessed with this old guy at his office and I think they are in some cult.  Any advice?
--Duke Highgawker

Eff sakes Luke give it a rest I said I was sorry about your hand!  Such a whiner.

Darth, I sometimes have trouble relating to other people and don't have a lot of friends.  I feel like we have a lot in common, so I just wanted to know if you had any advice.
--Jon

No, no, we are not a lot alike.  You are a huge loser and I kill people.  Please lose my email address.


Hi Darth my name is Jamie.  I feel like I am sad all the time and...

You know what Jamie I am just going to cut you off right there b/c you are pathetic.  Jesus this is going horribly.  OK I am done for the week.  I need to head to the shelter to shake down some hobos for their belongings.  Guy named Stinky Steve keeps stealing my change cup, so I need to supplement my begging income somehow.  Looking for actual questions from viewers to spice this feature up.  The more questions I get the better this will be so send your questions to DVader3333@gmail.com.  Just remember, I don't really care.  Till next week...

xoxoxo
Darth

Really Star Wars Family?

OK, let's dissect this for a second.  We got a pregnant Han Solo.  Do I even need to continue?  Fine, I will.  Darth has brown hair down to HER shoulders and I have no idea what the dude in the leather with the lightsaber is doing, but I am guessing there is an S&M party he is late for.  Also, thanks for showing up uncle Steve A.K.A "guy with a beer and an A's hat".  I mean what?  I get that you are fans, but come on...pregnant Han!  George Lucas rolled over in his grave nine times and he isn't even dead yet.  And for eff's sake uncle Steve I know you are an A's fan, but throw on a Chewbacca mask or something.  The only one I actually like here is the weird little dude with the yoda hat on, b/c yoda was a weird little dude and this kid clearly does not want to be in the picture.  And kudos to the other little dude who is clearly taking this seriously, you are going to live a long and probably sad life.  Maybe uncle Steve is the only normal one in this whole family.  Guy just said eff it, I'm getting hammered...speaking of which.

xoxoxo Darth

Groupon, we need to talk



Listen Groupon.  From one supreme galactic ruler to another, your story is starting to sound a little too familiar.  Humble upbringings to command immense amounts of power?  Offered to join one of the largest empires in the world only to turn them away?  I think you know what comes next.  Look, I've been there.  You probably have a kid somewhere that is telling you not to join the empire, right?  Well maybe not, but let me tell you something you might not know...things didn't turn out well for me.  Yeah you think you can do it all yourself and yeah you may be using money for a pillow, but how long can it last?  When you have an empire come along and offer you 6Bn galactc credits now may not be the time to take the moral high ground.  I mean I threw the emperor down a huge weird tube into space and where did that get me?  Unemployed with an empty soul.  Just think what I could be doing if I accepted his offer.  Ruling Ewoks, slapping Chewbacca, partying with Lando (sigh).  Tell you what I would not be doing...begging for change, but guess what?  Just do me a favor, if you have some odd back door to your headquarters that is mysteriously unguarded, maybe throw an extra storm trooper or grouptrooper or whatever you guys have back there, just sayin.  Also, when you guys go public are the shares going to be sold as a Groupon? 

xoxoxo Darth