Oscar Predictions

Tonight is the big night for everyone in the movie business, I bet Charlie Sheen's apartment looks like Hoth right now. I apply every year to be a seat filler and get rejected for the same stupid reason. They say my shiny black head would stick out on TV, yet I see Mace Windu there every year, go figure. I don't see too many movies, but I thought I would put my predictions out there because that seems to be what people with blogs do these days.

Best Picture: Black Swan. The main actress in that movie seems oddly familiar. I could see us dating and possibly having twins together. I liked Inception, but I could never tell whether I had dozed off or if that was part of the movie. 127 Hours just doesn't impress me, guy only lost one arm and no burns and he's some hero for surviving? The Social Network was ok, but if you are going to make a movie about a social network, why do Facebook instead of Friendster, isn't everyone slowly moving to Friendster? I used to watch a porn on Hoth that I think was called Winter's Bone, I hope this isn't the same movie.


Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. This is really a makeup award for when he got screwed out of Best Actor in Big Lebowski. Everyone liked True Grit, but I couldn't understand a word Mr. Bridges was saying in that movie. I have never even heard of Biutiful, is that a typo in that name? I never saw the King's Speech, sounds like the kind of movie that critics would like and normal people would walk out of after 20 minutes. 


Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. To be honest, I liked him a lot more in American Psycho, I used to blast Huey Lewis and the News before force choking my girlfriends. I am ready to forgive him for stealing my outfit for Batman, so I think he wins this. Jeremy Renner was much better in The Hurt Locker, I was kind of hoping he would fail to detonate a bomb in The Town and the movie would just end. Saw the first 15 minutes of The Kids are Alright. That movie was not alright at all, it was terrible and slow and there were no lightsaber duels.


Best Actress: Natalie Portman. I mean we are still technically married. Seeing her with Mila Kunis in the Black Swan sex scene was amazing, I just wish she'd have invited me along. I haven't seen these other movies, but Rabbit Hole sounds like a really bad pornography, so with Winter's Bone and Rabbit Hole, we got a real porny sounding Best Actress movie list.


Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld. I'm surprised Justin Timberlake wasn't nominated for this one from his turn in The Social Network, so I guess I will go with Hailee.

Picture Breakdown: Star Wars Wedding

There is so much wrong going on here, I just don't even know where to begin.

1. Why would this guy chose Admiral Ackbar as the character to portray on the most important day of his life.  Really? Some secondary Star Wars character who only appears in one movie? Maybe aim a little higher? Try Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker, even Han Solo would be alright. You are dressed as a human sized crustacean that looks like he should be cut up and brought to a lobster bake.  I mean, your kids are already going to think you were a huge loser, so why not pick a character casual fans will at least recognize and respect.

2. I guess even Slave Leia can become a registered justice of the peace these days, but needless to say, that does not do a lot to class up the proceedings. Good news is, with that mask the groom can secretly stare at her exposed chest while he promises to protect his new wife in sickness and in health.

3. Is the bride in some kind of a terrible Leia costume? It doesn't even look like it to me, I think she may be attempting to opt out of the Star Wars theme here. Newsflash, if your husband is dressing up in a rubber Admiral Ackbar mask and your minister is Slave Leia, wearing the nice white dress you dreamt about as young girl isn't convincing anyone you got married in a nice traditional, white wedding.

4. At least they found a pine tree for the middle of their altar to provide a brown, rather dull background. Nobody would want flowers or a nice sunset ruining the Forest Moon of Endor theme they've got going, so good for them.

Don't get me wrong, I wish these two the best, my marriage worked out great and I'm sure yours will too.

Top 10 Mildly Funny Nerds (And Me)

So today, on a blog I have never heard of, by a guy who definitely doesn't spend most of his time in his basement playing with action figures at age 33, I got the honorable mention spot in the Top 10 Most Hilariously Evil Villians on Twitter. He said that I "somehow manage to be homeless, sad and humorous all at the same time," which I think is probably true. It is actually a pretty nice honor, and I hate to admit it, but it is probably the best thing that has happened to me since that time I farted while Palpatine was walking behind me and yawning so that the stench filled his disgusting little mouth.

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope everyone is having a better Valentine's Day than I am, maybe on a romantic date or at home with some Champagne and a sexy lady wearing a golden bikini. The only Valentine I got this year was this card from a Stormtrooper. While I am flattered, there are two issues. First, I'm not gay, and I don't recall any female Stormtroopers, although the Empire may have changed its policies since I left. Second, how am I supposed to know which Stormtrooper this is from? White helmet, white body armor, medium height and no signature, could be any one of them. So if my mystery Stormtrooptress Valentine is out there, please get in touch. I am very lonely and have very low standards, so you don't need to worry about rejection on my end.

via http://captain-disaster.tumblr.com/

Darth Vader Super Bowl Commercial

First off, Volkswagen is using my likeness, playing my song and making a joke about my religion and you know how much money I get from this? $0. George Lucas is probably buying himself a new gold-plated rollercoaster for Skywalker Ranch. As the oldest living Skywalker, you would think I might get something for those naming rights too, but Lucas won't even reply to my texts. 

Second, a message for the kid. I love your hustle, love the outfit, keep at it. If I am being honest, I am not sure the Force is strong with this one, but maybe you could eventually become a Stormtrooper or take a desk job with the Evil Empire.

Sexy Star Wars Tattoo

While this tattoo gets me a little excited, I really don't appreciate this floozy celebrating the impending death of thousands of hard working empire employees. That was a hard day for anybody with a friend or family member working at the Death Star. After a few kids and some stretch marks, this thing is going to look more like the Death Star after Luke attacked. Then that tattoo stops being sexy and becomes an indistinguishable birthmark. So, best of luck to you sweetheart, make sure you think long and hard the next time you're drunk and want a Millennium Falcon tramp stamp.