Happy Halloween

I hate Halloween. As I have said, I always want to dress up, but everyone always expects me to just go as Darth Vader. One year I went as a slutty kitten, and everyone just kept asking me why Darth Vader had cat ears on his helmet. They were also uncomfortable when I cut the backs out of my leather pants to make assless chaps, but I wanted to be a slutty cat, not just a boring tabby cat. 

This year I went as a Chilean Minor. I dressed up as a young Chilean boy, but nobody got the joke at all. A few people thought I was being Carlos Mencia and a couple thought I was Ricky Martin from his Menudo days, but no one laughed.

Either way, this jack-o-lantern is awesome, and it is from one of my followers on twitter - @paigetilley. I don't know if she carved it or just saw it, but either way, she brightened my lonely Halloween.

Darth on Vacation

I believe it was the philosopher MIMS who said, "This is why Im Hot" and I think that describes this picture.
You may have noticed I have been away for a few days. I was on vacation and I have a few pictures I would like to share.

Horror movie about Santa...wait what?!?!

Seriously?!?  Darth took some strange pills last night, but am I reading this right?  Just saw a trailer for the upcoming movie titled "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale".  I have to admit when I first read the title, I thought "OK, fine I'm on board so far, whatever.  Cheesy xmas movie about saving santa or something, got it."  Then I looked at the poster and there are dudes with guns and effing Santa looks like the emperor in a cage, so I was intrigued.  I am going to go through the description of this movie and will let you all judge this insanity.  Picture the typical movie overtone voice and someone trying not to burst out laughing at this non-sense, my comments are in italics:

 It's the eve of Christmas in northern Finland and an "archeological" dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus. (First off, no way there is serious archeology going on when they put archeological in quotes.  What is that supposed to imply?  Yeah it's Finland, we get it they're weird.)  But this particular Santa isn't the one you want coming to town (Time the eff out, where are we going here). When all the local children begin mysteriously disappearing (Get the eff out of here, I'm now just paying attention to see how crazy this gets), young Pietari and his father Rauno, a reindeer hunter by trade (HA!!  This has to be a joke, who green lit this project Gary Busey?), capture the mythological being and attempt to sell Santa to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. Santa's elves, however, will stop at nothing to free their fearless leader from captivity (as they should, but like what is Santa's end game here?  Why was he frozen?  What do the elves do when he isn't captured?  When it comes to chicks is it only stalking if you're ugly?). What ensues is a wildly humorous (Way to slip the "humorous" line in there to make us think this wasn't supposed to be a horor movie before it was screen tested) nightmare - a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality (ahhh, so it's a movie about a rampaging Santa that will make you question you own belief system and the very foundation of how you define yourself as a person, got it). RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE is a re-imagining of the most classic of all childhood fantasies, and is a darkly comic gem soon to be required perennial holiday viewing (I couldn't agree more).

Now obviously there are weird movies out there, but this one is FEATURED on Apple movie trailers.  Featured.  Featured.  It's like Steve Jobs is just laughing at me b/c I'm obviously going to watch the trailer and it's obviously going to confuse the shit out of me.  I highly suggest you check this trailer out, if not to see the weirdest thing in your life, then to ensure you will never, ever travel to Finland.  Ever.

I'll leave you with the tagline: "He knows if you've been naughty.  He knows if you've been nice.  And he doesn't give a shit."  Ahhh, christmas.

Darth

Politics of the Empire

Its funny looking back at our old campaign posters, but I think its time some revisionist historians decide that we weren't really "evil" and were mainly trying to help people. We created millions of jobs, something I bet some of our current leaders wish they could do as successfully. 

Some Pretty Amazing Stuff

Bunch of show offs, but some of this stuff is really amazing. Most of it I could do before Obi-Wan chopped me up into pieces and left me to burn to death, but there are a few things in there that really blow my cape back.

New Star Wars Movies?

This was my first reaction when I read this:

According to IESB.net, George Lucas will be creating a new trilogy once the first six Star Wars movies go 3D. This echoes what Lucas did in the 1990s after the original trilogy was rereleased.

Then I thought, I am unemployed, I can probably get some work out of this, maybe get paid, maybe finally kill off that little turd Yoda. Then I saw this... 

The next three episodes (which could be either Episodes 7-9 or 10-12) could possibly "occur as far as 100 years or 1,000 years in the Star Wars universe future." Furthermore, the IESB source claims that the movie will not focus on the Skywalker clan.

No Skywalker clan? Well fuck me. I am just gonna go stare at this and cry.

Michael Jackson or Darth Vader?

I am not trying to show off here, but actually, I am showing off here. Look at these moves. Ladies, I am single and could really use a warm bed to sleep in.
I actually always felt like Michael Jackson and I had a lot in common. He was black underneath and white on the outside, and I am white underneath but black on the outside. Similar racial confusion there.
Also, we would both win Dancing with the Stars without even trying. Only real difference is, I am not quite as fond of young kids as he was, pedophilia makes me slightly uncomfortable, even as a dark lord.

Who Wins This Fight?

This reminds me of another time the Ewoks seemed over matched and ended up destroying a larger opponent. The Ewok should just poke that Chipmunks nuts with his little spear and run away.

It's that time of year again.

I know it's Halloween Leia, but for eff sakes show some self-respect

So, it is that time of year again.  When everyone dresses up in costumes and me and the freaks get to feel normal.  For the most part this is all in good fun, but it also spells doom for a young relationship.  Believe me I know.  You are dating a girl and pretty psyched about the upcoming halloween party where you will make her and all your buddies roll on the floor laughing with your enormous whinnie the poo outfit, but then disaster strikes.  Your new gf shows up looking like a street walker who's pulled out the big guns for that final push to get the quarterly pimp bonus.  "Yeah you totally look like a witch, but let me ask you this, is it part of your craft to have your ass showing and half a boob hanging out?"  I've seen it a thousand times.  Guy feels insecure, boozing ensues and it usually ends in a screaming match that the whole party silently enjoys.  Meanwhile every dude at the party is trying to nail your girlfriend and you look like a D-Bag.  Well dudes, darth has the solution.  Spin the game right around on them.  Yeah you know what I mean, show up with your balls hanging out.  Oh, that isn't where you thought I was going to go?  Well let me tell you a little story about Padme and this little party we had on Coruscant back in the day.  I show up dressed as Obi-Wan b/c that is funny and you know it.  Padme shows up as a driod, but apparently this droid loves body paint instead of actual metal.  Yeah we get it Padme, you got a great body, but I don't need the rest of the jedi going from six to midnight in here.  After about 8 whip-its and some sea breezes I'm screaming my ass off about being tempted by the dark side and calling her a slut.  Well, the next year old Darth pulled the balls trick.  Everyone was so fixated/grossed out that they paid no attention to Padme and her "sexy emperor" costume. On top of that, no one effs with a dude who walks around with his balls out...no one.

Bottom line, no relationships at halloween unless they are over a year.  Do whatever you have to do, break up, fake your death, fake her death, something.  Halloween=boozy=sluts=your gf going home with some AC Slater dude who uses fake tanner.  You'll thank me later.

---Darth

Oldest Space Object Ever Found

Saw this article on Gizmodo Oldest Space Object Ever Found:

This is the oldest object we've found yet in space. It's a galaxy whose light traveled more than 13 billion light-years before it was visible to Hubble. And it's only 600 million years younger than the universe itself.

That is nonsense, the oldest object in the universe is much older than that...

Go Vote You Stoner

From the New York Times:

Proposition 19, a ballot initiative in California that would give local authorities the ability to legalize and tax marijuana for personal consumption, appears to have lost ground in the polls.

I can barely even afford to use drugs, but if I could, I would love to smoke out of that R2-D2 pipe or that Yoda bong. I would spend the whole time I was high talking like Yoda in his high, weird voice saying "Need some more Pringles, I do," and "Feel the Force in my toes, I think I can." It would be awesome. 
So go vote Yes on this, the price of that Endor Endo you like so much will come down and I might even be able to get public funding for another Death Star.


Link: NYTimes Prop 19 Up In Smoke

Sexy Tuesday with a Little Something for the Women and the Wookiees

 

Is it less creepy because its not really my daughter,  its just someone pretending to be her?

Little something for the ladies and Wookiees after the jump.

Boba Fett Fan Club

I always thought Boba Fett was a great bounty hunter, perfectly evil and all, but I just can't see getting his piggy bank before you got mine. I am way more popular. And for those weaklings who like rebels, a Yoda or R2-D2 piggy bank just seems far cooler.

Although apparently he does have his fans. 62 replies on this website to the question of whether he ever takes his helmet off when he sleeps - Boba Fett Fan Club Message Board.

Pretty sure thats not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

Can a Droid be Sexy?

I think the answer is yes. I would R2 her D2, if you know what I am saying...
No? I mean that I think she is hot, and I like her droid bathing suit.

This Is What Sunglasses are For

I think he should just put on a pair of those huge clown sunglasses, then he could look anywhere.

This is why I love wearing my helmet, no one knows what I am looking at. It wasn't all that useful on the Death Star with only Storm Troopers around, but perfect for those 'European' style beaches on Tatooine.

Finally a Clear Explanation of the Brett Farve Scandal

 

I was so confused about the Brett Favre scandal until I saw this. Nice of them to lay it all out in a simple computer generated video. My eyes do exactly the same thing as Brett's when I see a pretty girl.

I Think I'll Just Have an Apple Pie This Thanksgiving

I have heard that making a pie takes a lot of work, but this guy is gonna hurt himself pushing that hard.

Just a Horse in Fishing Gear Holding a Cat

I saw this earlier today on a telephone pole. Is this really the best picture of the cat they had? I think we know why that cat ran away, I would too if my owner was a crazy looking horse fisherman.

Best Night Ever?

My Friday nights are exactly like Sooty's, except for the part where there are girls involved. Is it weird that I am jealous of a Guinea Pig?

Sexy Friday

My wife, doing what she does best. I always used to ask her why she didn't get a new shirt that wasn't ripped. It just doesn't seem very practical going into battle and lets be honest, its a little trashy for a Senator. You don't see Hillary Clinton strutting it around in a cut off tank top, looking like Snooki. 

I don't recall this girl from the Death Star and I don't think that was a standard issue Storm Trooper suit. I bet Palpatine made her wear it, that guy was an old pervert.

Guess That Droid

Mario Bros. Chilean Version

I am very thankful that the miners escaped safely, but this is really, really funny.

This is How Jar Jar Acts at the Bar

 

This cartoon reminded me of my night last night...

So Jar Jar convinces me to go to the bar with him and Lando. It was a Wednesday night but I figured I would go because I'm very lonely and Jar Jar knew someone at the event, so it was free. We get there, Lando is talking to some girl the entire night and Jar Jar spends the whole time trying to get girls to let him do body shots with them. As if this isn't awkward enough with my crippling social anxiety disorder, he insists on taking 15 pictures with every girl he talked to. I am 95% sure it was just so he could post them all on Facebook to look like he actually has a social life. Makes me long for the days I was too busy running an Empire to bother with the local weeknight singles scene.

From The Oatmeal - 7 things you really don't need to take a photo of which is hilarious.

Guess That Droid

 

The Empire Strikes Back Was Mostly Lies

From 10 Things You Didn't Know About The Empire Strikes Back

Yoda was originally named Buffy. No, really. In Lucas’ earliest outlines for the sequel, Luke meets a supernatural entity named Buffy, or Bunden Debannen.

I could not be less surprised, that little pussy was going to have a girls name, and Buffy? He couldn't even slay a Vampire, let alone fight a Sith.

Darth Vader would have had a castle. And it would have been an evil fortress — in some versions, it’s surrounded by lava, and full of gargoyles who are Vader’s pets.

This would have been sweet. I wish he had shown how sweet my life really was, cause those gargoyles were at my beck and call, just getting my Bud Lights and Nachos whenever I wanted.

Vader wasn’t Luke’s father at first. In Leigh Brackett’s first script draft, Luke meets his real dad, who says he sent away Luke and his secret sister for their own safety. (Luke’s sister has been training to be a Jedi knight in secret, just as Luke has.) And Papa Skywalker administers the oath of a Jedi Knight to Luke, in which Ben, Minch, Anakin and Luke cross lightsabers, and Luke swears to “dedicate my life to the cause of freedom and justice.”
 

So you are saying I need a paternity test?

Stupid Online Daters

So this explains why I can never get any replies on OKCupid. The straight women are the dumbest online daters out there and big Darth likes the ladies. Clearly I am tall, dark, handsome, powerful and an unbelievable kisser, so I knew something was wrong with these women.
It is pretty sad that between 5 and 10% of people really think the earth is larger than the sun though, boy are people stupid.

Death Star Memories

I love these guys spirit. This is why I am still out there raising money for another Death Star, because they are right, if we don't rebuild it, the Jedi win. On that note, any donations to the Death Star fund would be much appreciated. We lost a lot of good Storm Troopers out there that day, and we must never forget.

Apparently That Wasn't All Snow on Hoth

Carrie Fisher from Yahoo News:

"We did cocaine on the set of 'Empire', in the ice planet," Fisher told Australian newswire AAP, referring to the setting of the second film in the original "Star Wars" trilogy.

They say one of the hardest things to do as a parent is have that talk with your kids about drugs, luckily I wasn't around for that. I'm not sure whether drugs ruined her life though. On the one hand, she ended up married to that dick Han, but on the other, at least it wasn't to her brother.

"The Blues Brothers" co-star John Belushi warned her that she had a problem prior to his own death from a drug overdose in 1982, and Fisher said she ultimately came to realize how dangerous her habits were.

When John Belushi is warning you that you might have a drug problem, you probably have a pretty big drug problem. 

The Pigs Stole My Burrito

I was saving that goddamn burrito for dinner. Stupid police took it down to the station to "make sure it wasn't a baby." They told me it was in police custody and that they would have to throw it out when it went bad, but I saw a cop with salsa stains on his uniform throw out a Chipotle wrapper that same afternoon.

Those Dresses are Cheap Anyways, No?

Padme and I invited a couple Ewoks to our secret wedding and one of them did this to her after a few too many martinis. He passed out after the reception and I got him back by shaving a penis into his chest hair.

Darth Vader's Google Search Story

Funny how much you can tell about someone from their search history. Thank God "Safe-Search" was enabled, I looked at a lot of weird stuff in my day.

Can a Jedi Lightsaber Cut Through Superman?

I am not sure who wins this argument, but we can be sure that the biggest loser here is JimM. 
What kind of loser has the time to spend writing long, random posts on the internet that very few people are even going to read...

Weatherman With a Big Lightsaber

Wanted to know whether to wear my winter cape today, and this guy is on the news showing off. Mine would reach upstate New York for sure.

Star Wars Paper Animation

This is a great paper animation of Star Wars IV-VI, but more importantly am I really that fat? I think this animator was just trying to hurt me. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but I look huge. Please tell me I am just being self conscious.

It Was Silent, but Deadly...

Tarkin nearly passed out when she pulled it, I really let one go that day. A new Chipotle had just opened in the Death Star food court, and when I get that spicy salsa and pinto beans, I get really gassy.