Ask Darth 2

It's that time again.  Where I field some questions from my audience because I'm bored and definitely not because of any court order demanding journal entries for a drunken disorderly charge last April.  I'll never admit it was me.  Anyway, got a few questions in the mail bag today, so here it goes:

Hi, Darth. Up-and-coming genocidal warlord here. I have moments where I don't want to kill every living thing I see. You know, sometimes I see an ewok and I just want to kick it in the gut instead of [doing really weird stuff]. Is this dangerous? What can I do to prevent this?

--Zeke

Are you sure it wasn't just a big cat you saw?  Last time I checked Ewoks were still chucking rocks at a guy holding a blaster, so unless you have the power of intergalactic flight I think you are fibbing.  Either way, Zeke I think it's safe to say you are totally effed in the head.  But you know what, I like your vibe.  Not sure why, but I bet you are a guy who enjoys scotch and a nice pair of slacks, much like myself.  Party on.

Hey Death From Above,

After watching this movie, Despicable Me, I have grown an unhealthy obsession with shrink guns. I would like to ask. What's your favourite type of gun, and why?

--Abel

Well Abel I have no idea what a shrink gun is b/c cartoon movies are for chicks and kids under 12.  If you are one of those then I apologize, but you should still look at yourself in the mirror.  My favorite (notice my method of spelling as opposed to yours) gun is the one people think I'm holding when I force choke the eff out of them for calling me fat, I mean...wait...forget it.

Darth, someone tweeted the below inspirational quote that sounds like gibberish to me. Can you help me make sense of it?
"The day that you allow emotions to fuel your desire is the day you’ll turn your life around."

--@uslackr

Wow, well I guess that person is an idiot.  "Emotions to fuel your desire"?  Isn't that like saying "your ideas to fuel your thoughts"?  Just a nothing comment, right?.  Not to mention how is this supposed to turn your life around.  When has anything ever been done in a day?  I can't even clean my box in one day.  God this makes me so angry I just threw up all over myself.  Sure I am drunk, but I'm angry too.  If I were you, @uslackr I would stop all contact with this person, or at the very least start a vicious rumor about them. 

DD,

How do you poop in that suit?

Jeff Gordon

Get a life Jeff, Dupont is for chicks and you can't win a race to save your life.  If this isn't the NASCAR driver then take your coprophilia and hit the road b/c Darth plays between the lines.  No weird fetishes for me, unless you count the sand people,  but I don't.

Darth,

Thinking about wearing a cape when I go out and do errands so I feel more like a superhero and less like an average guy.  Do people respect you more when you wear a cape?

--Bono

Hmmm, that's a tough one Bonor.  Can I call you bonor?  At times the cape can be an excellent accessory, like when you are covering your face from people throwing food at you, in need of a towel while lying on the beach or pretending to fly.  But, other times it can be a nuisance.  Take for example swimming?  Just drags you down.  Starting a fire?  have you seen polyester burn?  And, don't even get me started on playing Dance, Dance Revolution.  Worst 30 seconds of my life.  Roller skiing can go either way b/c there is serious tripping in traffic threat, but sometimes it just makes you look so dynamic.  So to answer your question...maybe?

That's it for this week.  Please send in your questions to DVader3333@gmail.com and I'll do my best to provide annoying answers.  Drive fast and take chances.

xoxoxo

Darth

Homeless Ewok on Christmas

Most of you probably feel bad for this poor, cute, little Ewok on Christmas, begging on the side of the road, trying to get a ride home to Endor, with no job to support the many Ewoks he has probably fathered with multiple women. I say, get a job buddy. See that McDonalds in the distance, they could certainly use a cashier. That Chevron back there? Gas doesn't pump itself, apply for a job. This is why we should have just blown up Endor when we had the chance. The Dark Side doesn't believe in helping people, even on Christmas.

Picture thanks to @the_subcon.

Ask Darth

New feature here on deep thoughts called "Ask Darth".  I get literally thousands of emails from fans asking me my opinion on their issues and questions.  OK it's more like hundreds...fine I can count them on my robotic hands, but that is neither here nor there.  You send me questions, I'll send you answer...write that down.  So here we go:

Dear Darth, I've been dating my boyfriend for some time now and I want to take our relationship to the next level, how should I do it?
--Mary

Well Mary I would have to ask you what do you mean by the "next level"?  We talking bringing an Ewok into the mix or you just trying to move in together.  Need specifics people!  I can't help you if I don't know what you are talking about.


Hey DD, need to get a gift for my mom for Xmas, any ideas?
--Harold

Well ass, my mom is dead, so go eff yourself.  And, don't call me DD.  Depressed Darth, Darth or Death From Above is fine.

Darth, my father has anger issues and he has tried to hurt me multiple times.  He's kind of obsessed with this old guy at his office and I think they are in some cult.  Any advice?
--Duke Highgawker

Eff sakes Luke give it a rest I said I was sorry about your hand!  Such a whiner.

Darth, I sometimes have trouble relating to other people and don't have a lot of friends.  I feel like we have a lot in common, so I just wanted to know if you had any advice.
--Jon

No, no, we are not a lot alike.  You are a huge loser and I kill people.  Please lose my email address.


Hi Darth my name is Jamie.  I feel like I am sad all the time and...

You know what Jamie I am just going to cut you off right there b/c you are pathetic.  Jesus this is going horribly.  OK I am done for the week.  I need to head to the shelter to shake down some hobos for their belongings.  Guy named Stinky Steve keeps stealing my change cup, so I need to supplement my begging income somehow.  Looking for actual questions from viewers to spice this feature up.  The more questions I get the better this will be so send your questions to DVader3333@gmail.com.  Just remember, I don't really care.  Till next week...

xoxoxo
Darth

Really Star Wars Family?

OK, let's dissect this for a second.  We got a pregnant Han Solo.  Do I even need to continue?  Fine, I will.  Darth has brown hair down to HER shoulders and I have no idea what the dude in the leather with the lightsaber is doing, but I am guessing there is an S&M party he is late for.  Also, thanks for showing up uncle Steve A.K.A "guy with a beer and an A's hat".  I mean what?  I get that you are fans, but come on...pregnant Han!  George Lucas rolled over in his grave nine times and he isn't even dead yet.  And for eff's sake uncle Steve I know you are an A's fan, but throw on a Chewbacca mask or something.  The only one I actually like here is the weird little dude with the yoda hat on, b/c yoda was a weird little dude and this kid clearly does not want to be in the picture.  And kudos to the other little dude who is clearly taking this seriously, you are going to live a long and probably sad life.  Maybe uncle Steve is the only normal one in this whole family.  Guy just said eff it, I'm getting hammered...speaking of which.

xoxoxo Darth

Groupon, we need to talk



Listen Groupon.  From one supreme galactic ruler to another, your story is starting to sound a little too familiar.  Humble upbringings to command immense amounts of power?  Offered to join one of the largest empires in the world only to turn them away?  I think you know what comes next.  Look, I've been there.  You probably have a kid somewhere that is telling you not to join the empire, right?  Well maybe not, but let me tell you something you might not know...things didn't turn out well for me.  Yeah you think you can do it all yourself and yeah you may be using money for a pillow, but how long can it last?  When you have an empire come along and offer you 6Bn galactc credits now may not be the time to take the moral high ground.  I mean I threw the emperor down a huge weird tube into space and where did that get me?  Unemployed with an empty soul.  Just think what I could be doing if I accepted his offer.  Ruling Ewoks, slapping Chewbacca, partying with Lando (sigh).  Tell you what I would not be doing...begging for change, but guess what?  Just do me a favor, if you have some odd back door to your headquarters that is mysteriously unguarded, maybe throw an extra storm trooper or grouptrooper or whatever you guys have back there, just sayin.  Also, when you guys go public are the shares going to be sold as a Groupon? 

xoxoxo Darth

Coolest iPhone Game Ever

This is just awesome. I don't even mind that it simulates blowing up TIE fighters, I would rather play this than Angry Birds any day.

Thanks, But Its Not my Birthday

Clearly, someone just pulled one over on Channel 6 in Byron, MN, but imagine if this was your name? I want to change my first name to Master, then get a reservation at The Olive Garden and wait for them to announce that my table is ready over the loud speaker. "Master Vader, party of 1."

Creepy, Very Creepy

See this is why I believe in the Force. You got creepy Jesus guy here trying to use his position in the world to "enter" people or you get the force, which lets me remotely choke people. Seems like a no brainer. The force does have Yoda, and he is creepy and kind of looks like a misshaped Kermit the Frog, but at least the force never tried to enter any of us.

Chewbacca Dog

 

I'm not a huge fan of dogs. They remind me of Ewoks, their fur gets stuck in my mask's breathing apparatus and don't get me started on what happens when I get fleas inside this suit. This dog on the other hand just looks amusingly like Chewbacca. I want to put a little gold metal strap around him, train him to bark like a Wookiiee and then freak out Harrison Ford with him.

Sexy Wednesday

I took my TIE fighter out for a quick spin earlier today and got a great wash and wax for $5. Pretty sure this isn't her full time job.

Worst Star Wars Costumes Ever?

As a huge Star Wars fan myself, I love to see people dressed up for Halloween in awesome Star Wars costumes. Of course, sometimes a rather hefty fella puts on a Stormtrooper costume or a bald guy tries to be Luke, and while we respect them for trying, we get a laugh at their expense. At least those people look remotely like the Star Wars characters they are trying to be, this picture is just a complete disaster.

First of all, R2-D2 is just a trash can with an R2-D2 sign on the front. That's pretty awful, but to be fair, R2-D2 isn't easy to recreate. Bottom line, on Halloween, anytime you have to make a big sign to wear on the front of your costume that tells everyone what you are, your costume needs a redesign.

Over on the lower right, we have what I believe is Jabba? This costume would be just as good if he were going as a shrubbery, Oscar the Grouch, The Grinch, Shrek or even Gumbi. Just a shocking lack of effort here to even approach looking like Jabba, and for a while I thought he was Yoda. 

That is until I saw Robin Hood Yoda over there on the lower left. Hes got the walking stick, the green body and the brown shawl thing, but would it kill him to slap on some facepaint? A little green facepaint and this probably wouldn't be the worst Yoda costume of all time. 

The guy in the back in the black is supposed to be Darth Vader? It looks like he just bought a Ninja costume and decided not to worry about minor details like a cape, helmet or chest panel. If he separated from the group and  you had to guess what he was, I think Darth Vader would be guess 250 or so, at best. 

C3PO just looks like one of the Knights of the Round Table with a C3PO sign on him. Would it have been too much to ask for him to wear a gold t-shirt instead of blue? Or possibly spray paint his cardboard body parts gold? 

You have got to hand it to Leia, she actually sort of looks like Leia, minus the ridiculously small lightsaber, and the fact that it is red and she is not a Sith. I also don't recall Leia wearing comfortable walking sneakers in The Empire Strikes Back, but that is a minor nitpick here.

I really wish I had seen this group out on Halloween and had a few minutes to ask some questions about their thinking here. Who decided Star Wars theme? Why did they wait until 15 minutes before the party to tell everyone what costume to put together? Who carries R2-D2 around all night? Why does Jabba have sunglasses and a moustache? So many unanswered questions...

Sith In 2010

It is nice to know that long after our empire fell, ex-employees still uphold the values and morals we tried to employ.
I wanted to remind everyone in the US to vote tomorrow, and preferably vote evil. Along those lines, when you get to the bottom of the ballot, and there is some election for the regional comptroller or some nonsensical position that you have never heard of, feel free to write me in. You don't want some career politician who will give in to special interests, you want new blood in there, mixing things up. The only special interest that I am beholden to is self-interest. I won't raise taxes, mainly because I don't even know how taxes work. I won't make any laws that make your life any more difficult, unless you are a Jedi. I won't be spending a ton of your money at fancy restaurants, because most fancy restaurants won't even let me inside. At this point in my life, a tunafish sandwich and a Coke is a gourmet meal. What I am saying is, instead of electing some career douchebag to do nothing and waste your money, elect me to do nothing and waste slightly less of your money.
Sith In 2010!!!
Picture from @jjd241

Happy Halloween

I hate Halloween. As I have said, I always want to dress up, but everyone always expects me to just go as Darth Vader. One year I went as a slutty kitten, and everyone just kept asking me why Darth Vader had cat ears on his helmet. They were also uncomfortable when I cut the backs out of my leather pants to make assless chaps, but I wanted to be a slutty cat, not just a boring tabby cat. 

This year I went as a Chilean Minor. I dressed up as a young Chilean boy, but nobody got the joke at all. A few people thought I was being Carlos Mencia and a couple thought I was Ricky Martin from his Menudo days, but no one laughed.

Either way, this jack-o-lantern is awesome, and it is from one of my followers on twitter - @paigetilley. I don't know if she carved it or just saw it, but either way, she brightened my lonely Halloween.

Darth on Vacation

I believe it was the philosopher MIMS who said, "This is why Im Hot" and I think that describes this picture.
You may have noticed I have been away for a few days. I was on vacation and I have a few pictures I would like to share.

Horror movie about Santa...wait what?!?!

Seriously?!?  Darth took some strange pills last night, but am I reading this right?  Just saw a trailer for the upcoming movie titled "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale".  I have to admit when I first read the title, I thought "OK, fine I'm on board so far, whatever.  Cheesy xmas movie about saving santa or something, got it."  Then I looked at the poster and there are dudes with guns and effing Santa looks like the emperor in a cage, so I was intrigued.  I am going to go through the description of this movie and will let you all judge this insanity.  Picture the typical movie overtone voice and someone trying not to burst out laughing at this non-sense, my comments are in italics:

 It's the eve of Christmas in northern Finland and an "archeological" dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus. (First off, no way there is serious archeology going on when they put archeological in quotes.  What is that supposed to imply?  Yeah it's Finland, we get it they're weird.)  But this particular Santa isn't the one you want coming to town (Time the eff out, where are we going here). When all the local children begin mysteriously disappearing (Get the eff out of here, I'm now just paying attention to see how crazy this gets), young Pietari and his father Rauno, a reindeer hunter by trade (HA!!  This has to be a joke, who green lit this project Gary Busey?), capture the mythological being and attempt to sell Santa to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. Santa's elves, however, will stop at nothing to free their fearless leader from captivity (as they should, but like what is Santa's end game here?  Why was he frozen?  What do the elves do when he isn't captured?  When it comes to chicks is it only stalking if you're ugly?). What ensues is a wildly humorous (Way to slip the "humorous" line in there to make us think this wasn't supposed to be a horor movie before it was screen tested) nightmare - a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality (ahhh, so it's a movie about a rampaging Santa that will make you question you own belief system and the very foundation of how you define yourself as a person, got it). RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE is a re-imagining of the most classic of all childhood fantasies, and is a darkly comic gem soon to be required perennial holiday viewing (I couldn't agree more).

Now obviously there are weird movies out there, but this one is FEATURED on Apple movie trailers.  Featured.  Featured.  It's like Steve Jobs is just laughing at me b/c I'm obviously going to watch the trailer and it's obviously going to confuse the shit out of me.  I highly suggest you check this trailer out, if not to see the weirdest thing in your life, then to ensure you will never, ever travel to Finland.  Ever.

I'll leave you with the tagline: "He knows if you've been naughty.  He knows if you've been nice.  And he doesn't give a shit."  Ahhh, christmas.

Darth

Politics of the Empire

Its funny looking back at our old campaign posters, but I think its time some revisionist historians decide that we weren't really "evil" and were mainly trying to help people. We created millions of jobs, something I bet some of our current leaders wish they could do as successfully. 

Some Pretty Amazing Stuff

Bunch of show offs, but some of this stuff is really amazing. Most of it I could do before Obi-Wan chopped me up into pieces and left me to burn to death, but there are a few things in there that really blow my cape back.

New Star Wars Movies?

This was my first reaction when I read this:

According to IESB.net, George Lucas will be creating a new trilogy once the first six Star Wars movies go 3D. This echoes what Lucas did in the 1990s after the original trilogy was rereleased.

Then I thought, I am unemployed, I can probably get some work out of this, maybe get paid, maybe finally kill off that little turd Yoda. Then I saw this... 

The next three episodes (which could be either Episodes 7-9 or 10-12) could possibly "occur as far as 100 years or 1,000 years in the Star Wars universe future." Furthermore, the IESB source claims that the movie will not focus on the Skywalker clan.

No Skywalker clan? Well fuck me. I am just gonna go stare at this and cry.

Michael Jackson or Darth Vader?

I am not trying to show off here, but actually, I am showing off here. Look at these moves. Ladies, I am single and could really use a warm bed to sleep in.
I actually always felt like Michael Jackson and I had a lot in common. He was black underneath and white on the outside, and I am white underneath but black on the outside. Similar racial confusion there.
Also, we would both win Dancing with the Stars without even trying. Only real difference is, I am not quite as fond of young kids as he was, pedophilia makes me slightly uncomfortable, even as a dark lord.

Who Wins This Fight?

This reminds me of another time the Ewoks seemed over matched and ended up destroying a larger opponent. The Ewok should just poke that Chipmunks nuts with his little spear and run away.

It's that time of year again.

I know it's Halloween Leia, but for eff sakes show some self-respect

So, it is that time of year again.  When everyone dresses up in costumes and me and the freaks get to feel normal.  For the most part this is all in good fun, but it also spells doom for a young relationship.  Believe me I know.  You are dating a girl and pretty psyched about the upcoming halloween party where you will make her and all your buddies roll on the floor laughing with your enormous whinnie the poo outfit, but then disaster strikes.  Your new gf shows up looking like a street walker who's pulled out the big guns for that final push to get the quarterly pimp bonus.  "Yeah you totally look like a witch, but let me ask you this, is it part of your craft to have your ass showing and half a boob hanging out?"  I've seen it a thousand times.  Guy feels insecure, boozing ensues and it usually ends in a screaming match that the whole party silently enjoys.  Meanwhile every dude at the party is trying to nail your girlfriend and you look like a D-Bag.  Well dudes, darth has the solution.  Spin the game right around on them.  Yeah you know what I mean, show up with your balls hanging out.  Oh, that isn't where you thought I was going to go?  Well let me tell you a little story about Padme and this little party we had on Coruscant back in the day.  I show up dressed as Obi-Wan b/c that is funny and you know it.  Padme shows up as a driod, but apparently this droid loves body paint instead of actual metal.  Yeah we get it Padme, you got a great body, but I don't need the rest of the jedi going from six to midnight in here.  After about 8 whip-its and some sea breezes I'm screaming my ass off about being tempted by the dark side and calling her a slut.  Well, the next year old Darth pulled the balls trick.  Everyone was so fixated/grossed out that they paid no attention to Padme and her "sexy emperor" costume. On top of that, no one effs with a dude who walks around with his balls out...no one.

Bottom line, no relationships at halloween unless they are over a year.  Do whatever you have to do, break up, fake your death, fake her death, something.  Halloween=boozy=sluts=your gf going home with some AC Slater dude who uses fake tanner.  You'll thank me later.

---Darth

Oldest Space Object Ever Found

Saw this article on Gizmodo Oldest Space Object Ever Found:

This is the oldest object we've found yet in space. It's a galaxy whose light traveled more than 13 billion light-years before it was visible to Hubble. And it's only 600 million years younger than the universe itself.

That is nonsense, the oldest object in the universe is much older than that...

Go Vote You Stoner

From the New York Times:

Proposition 19, a ballot initiative in California that would give local authorities the ability to legalize and tax marijuana for personal consumption, appears to have lost ground in the polls.

I can barely even afford to use drugs, but if I could, I would love to smoke out of that R2-D2 pipe or that Yoda bong. I would spend the whole time I was high talking like Yoda in his high, weird voice saying "Need some more Pringles, I do," and "Feel the Force in my toes, I think I can." It would be awesome. 
So go vote Yes on this, the price of that Endor Endo you like so much will come down and I might even be able to get public funding for another Death Star.


Link: NYTimes Prop 19 Up In Smoke

Sexy Tuesday with a Little Something for the Women and the Wookiees

 

Is it less creepy because its not really my daughter,  its just someone pretending to be her?

Little something for the ladies and Wookiees after the jump.

Boba Fett Fan Club

I always thought Boba Fett was a great bounty hunter, perfectly evil and all, but I just can't see getting his piggy bank before you got mine. I am way more popular. And for those weaklings who like rebels, a Yoda or R2-D2 piggy bank just seems far cooler.

Although apparently he does have his fans. 62 replies on this website to the question of whether he ever takes his helmet off when he sleeps - Boba Fett Fan Club Message Board.

Pretty sure thats not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

Can a Droid be Sexy?

I think the answer is yes. I would R2 her D2, if you know what I am saying...
No? I mean that I think she is hot, and I like her droid bathing suit.

This Is What Sunglasses are For

I think he should just put on a pair of those huge clown sunglasses, then he could look anywhere.

This is why I love wearing my helmet, no one knows what I am looking at. It wasn't all that useful on the Death Star with only Storm Troopers around, but perfect for those 'European' style beaches on Tatooine.

Finally a Clear Explanation of the Brett Farve Scandal

 

I was so confused about the Brett Favre scandal until I saw this. Nice of them to lay it all out in a simple computer generated video. My eyes do exactly the same thing as Brett's when I see a pretty girl.

I Think I'll Just Have an Apple Pie This Thanksgiving

I have heard that making a pie takes a lot of work, but this guy is gonna hurt himself pushing that hard.

Just a Horse in Fishing Gear Holding a Cat

I saw this earlier today on a telephone pole. Is this really the best picture of the cat they had? I think we know why that cat ran away, I would too if my owner was a crazy looking horse fisherman.

Best Night Ever?

My Friday nights are exactly like Sooty's, except for the part where there are girls involved. Is it weird that I am jealous of a Guinea Pig?

Sexy Friday

My wife, doing what she does best. I always used to ask her why she didn't get a new shirt that wasn't ripped. It just doesn't seem very practical going into battle and lets be honest, its a little trashy for a Senator. You don't see Hillary Clinton strutting it around in a cut off tank top, looking like Snooki. 

I don't recall this girl from the Death Star and I don't think that was a standard issue Storm Trooper suit. I bet Palpatine made her wear it, that guy was an old pervert.

Guess That Droid

Mario Bros. Chilean Version

I am very thankful that the miners escaped safely, but this is really, really funny.

This is How Jar Jar Acts at the Bar

 

This cartoon reminded me of my night last night...

So Jar Jar convinces me to go to the bar with him and Lando. It was a Wednesday night but I figured I would go because I'm very lonely and Jar Jar knew someone at the event, so it was free. We get there, Lando is talking to some girl the entire night and Jar Jar spends the whole time trying to get girls to let him do body shots with them. As if this isn't awkward enough with my crippling social anxiety disorder, he insists on taking 15 pictures with every girl he talked to. I am 95% sure it was just so he could post them all on Facebook to look like he actually has a social life. Makes me long for the days I was too busy running an Empire to bother with the local weeknight singles scene.

From The Oatmeal - 7 things you really don't need to take a photo of which is hilarious.

Guess That Droid

 

The Empire Strikes Back Was Mostly Lies

From 10 Things You Didn't Know About The Empire Strikes Back

Yoda was originally named Buffy. No, really. In Lucas’ earliest outlines for the sequel, Luke meets a supernatural entity named Buffy, or Bunden Debannen.

I could not be less surprised, that little pussy was going to have a girls name, and Buffy? He couldn't even slay a Vampire, let alone fight a Sith.

Darth Vader would have had a castle. And it would have been an evil fortress — in some versions, it’s surrounded by lava, and full of gargoyles who are Vader’s pets.

This would have been sweet. I wish he had shown how sweet my life really was, cause those gargoyles were at my beck and call, just getting my Bud Lights and Nachos whenever I wanted.

Vader wasn’t Luke’s father at first. In Leigh Brackett’s first script draft, Luke meets his real dad, who says he sent away Luke and his secret sister for their own safety. (Luke’s sister has been training to be a Jedi knight in secret, just as Luke has.) And Papa Skywalker administers the oath of a Jedi Knight to Luke, in which Ben, Minch, Anakin and Luke cross lightsabers, and Luke swears to “dedicate my life to the cause of freedom and justice.”
 

So you are saying I need a paternity test?

Stupid Online Daters

So this explains why I can never get any replies on OKCupid. The straight women are the dumbest online daters out there and big Darth likes the ladies. Clearly I am tall, dark, handsome, powerful and an unbelievable kisser, so I knew something was wrong with these women.
It is pretty sad that between 5 and 10% of people really think the earth is larger than the sun though, boy are people stupid.

Death Star Memories

I love these guys spirit. This is why I am still out there raising money for another Death Star, because they are right, if we don't rebuild it, the Jedi win. On that note, any donations to the Death Star fund would be much appreciated. We lost a lot of good Storm Troopers out there that day, and we must never forget.

Apparently That Wasn't All Snow on Hoth

Carrie Fisher from Yahoo News:

"We did cocaine on the set of 'Empire', in the ice planet," Fisher told Australian newswire AAP, referring to the setting of the second film in the original "Star Wars" trilogy.

They say one of the hardest things to do as a parent is have that talk with your kids about drugs, luckily I wasn't around for that. I'm not sure whether drugs ruined her life though. On the one hand, she ended up married to that dick Han, but on the other, at least it wasn't to her brother.

"The Blues Brothers" co-star John Belushi warned her that she had a problem prior to his own death from a drug overdose in 1982, and Fisher said she ultimately came to realize how dangerous her habits were.

When John Belushi is warning you that you might have a drug problem, you probably have a pretty big drug problem. 

The Pigs Stole My Burrito

I was saving that goddamn burrito for dinner. Stupid police took it down to the station to "make sure it wasn't a baby." They told me it was in police custody and that they would have to throw it out when it went bad, but I saw a cop with salsa stains on his uniform throw out a Chipotle wrapper that same afternoon.

Those Dresses are Cheap Anyways, No?

Padme and I invited a couple Ewoks to our secret wedding and one of them did this to her after a few too many martinis. He passed out after the reception and I got him back by shaving a penis into his chest hair.

Darth Vader's Google Search Story

Funny how much you can tell about someone from their search history. Thank God "Safe-Search" was enabled, I looked at a lot of weird stuff in my day.

Can a Jedi Lightsaber Cut Through Superman?

I am not sure who wins this argument, but we can be sure that the biggest loser here is JimM. 
What kind of loser has the time to spend writing long, random posts on the internet that very few people are even going to read...

Weatherman With a Big Lightsaber

Wanted to know whether to wear my winter cape today, and this guy is on the news showing off. Mine would reach upstate New York for sure.

Star Wars Paper Animation

This is a great paper animation of Star Wars IV-VI, but more importantly am I really that fat? I think this animator was just trying to hurt me. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but I look huge. Please tell me I am just being self conscious.

It Was Silent, but Deadly...

Tarkin nearly passed out when she pulled it, I really let one go that day. A new Chipotle had just opened in the Death Star food court, and when I get that spicy salsa and pinto beans, I get really gassy.