Darth is Moving the Blog

OK, so I've been pooling my panhandling money for the past two years and bought my own domain. Check out www.DepressedDarth.com. You should be redirected in 6 seconds...party.

Darth Vader Needs a Job

So, it’s high time I got out and hit the job market. To start with I thought I would throw together my resume, but I think the highlights are pretty obvious: 1) Dominated the force 2) Crushed it 3) Killed it. Any questions? Yes I may have been into some weird shit back in the day, couple DUI’s in my Tie fighter and yes I ended up vomiting in my helmet when the cop pulled me over. But, the past is the past and if you take a look at this photo I think it says one thing: WINNER. Underneath that shirt I am wearing my #1 Dad t-shirt and no I don’t think that is hypocritical at all. I will hammer the phones and I will hammer the competition…hire me.

Summer Style from Darth

So because I joined the Dark Side I'm not allowed to make any wardrobe choices? I am supposed to just wear black on black, day-in and day-out? What if Darth wants to show a little style? I think I look great here. Bright colors are in this summer and if you are going to wear a cape, why not make it a turqoise silk cape?

Via DanKelly81

My Cats Are All I've Got

When you lose your arms and legs, and your position as the leader of the Empire, you find friends wherever you can. I call that short one that can't reach the ball of string, Yoda. He's not my favorite, so I tease him a lot. I have a really fat one I call Jabba, and that black one there is Lando. I totally understand why lonely old ladies get so many cats. Throw a little catnip on the floor and watch them lose their minds. I haven't giggled like that since Alderaan blew up.

Via DwreckM

Oops I Crapped My Pants

So, long story short I shit my pants today. Was at the local army navy store, felt that sinking feeling in my stomach, dropped the two graphic tees and Vietnam era jacket I had and made a run for it. I hopped in my 82 Dodson and was off. For about 5 minutes I thought I was going to make it, but no...wasn't meant to be. I was screaming out the window at drivers, which is tough for me with this voice box, and slowly but surely it just crept out like Han after a one-nighter. I slammed my car into the closest parking spot I could find, ran for some trees and unleashed hell. After I was finished burning the evidence and bathing in a local pond I came back to find my car with a parking ticket. Honestly though, best $25 I ever spent. There is something about that feeling when you are about to shit yourself. You would literally trade anything for a toilet and a locked door. If yoda himself had walked up to me and offered me a toilet if I turned away from the dark side I would have done it faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Give up women? Done, I don't get any anyway. Never drink ice cold delicious Bud Light again? For sure! Stop watching Dawson's Creek? Eff that I'd just crap everywhere. Nothing can keep me from Pacey...nothing.

DD

Worst Movie Synopsis Ever?

Quick movie review here kids. Now, let me start by saying I have never seen this movie, have not seen the trailer and will never see this movie. All I needed was to read the synopsis that was provided BY THE MOVIE STUDIO. The synopsis is in italics, my comments in bold:

Since a few decades they were watching us. (We are not off to a good start. SINCE a few decades? Yoda sounds more intelligent) Studying us. What are they? Nobody knows. Nobody but Ivan Petrenko Karkarov. The Russian physicist started to study a phenomenon which was occurring since several decades. (I think Ivan should spend some time studying the use of the word "since" instead of this phenomenon.) In 1982 he found an answer to the strange phenomenon but before he could tell anyone he mysteriously vanished. (Figures. Russians are always taking off when you need them most. Like that hot Russian military chick in "Spies Like Us". What happened to her? I'd blow up 50 Alderaans to find her.) 30 years later, in Newell Iowa, Dean Hollister seems to be a normal guy until strange radar anomalies appear throughout the world. (No one named Dean is ever a normal guy. Han had a brother Dean and the guy was a total nut case. Exposed himself to young Jedis on the regular.) All of a sudden something starts to happen at the sky, black rifts appear. (Honesty I am more interested in who wrote this than I am these rifts in the sky. "...something starts to happen at the sky." Shakespeare eat your heart out.) Behind those rifts something is moving. It's watching us. (Bam...Oscar.)

If they want a movie they should just march who ever wrote this up on screen and have him speak for an hour and a half, comedic gold. Would love to know who approved this non-sense. "No, no you can use the word since in almost any manner you like, it's like the word prego in Italian, just throw it around willy nilly." Wow, just wow. My question is how does this go to theaters, but Blue Crush 2 goes straight to dvd? It ain't right!


Just so people know I'm not kidding: The Rift

DD

Happy 4th of July!!

I don't like Yoda one bit. He is an tiny, booger-colored Jedi who can't form a proper sentence to save his life. But when he is right, he is right. Just a bunch of awesome fireworks going off in the background, lightsaber drawn, looking like he can actually fight with his 900 year old, bad back. So from Yoda and Darth, Happy 4th of July.

I'm Quitting Tomorrow, I Swear

This picture is all over the web these days. So I got caught smoking, big deal. I was in charge of an entire Empire. Things got a little stressful so I would smoke a cigarette to calm the nerves. You've heard me breathe, did you really think I wasn't a smoker? If so, I got a great property on Alderaan I want to sell you.

From Voltaire1999

Hitchhiking Is Never as Easy as It Looks in the Movies

Since I wrapped my TIE fighter around a telephone pole this is how I have to get home. Black people always say it is hard to get picked up by a cab, well imagine being a mass murderer trying to get a civilian to pick you up. It's not easy. 

What Kind of Marinade is Best on Poodle?

I am so ready for the 4th of July, because boy do I need a long weekend. I'm unemployed, but feeding pigeons and returning empty cans for money gets exhausting. I cannot wait to head to the beach, drink some ice-cold wine coolers and throw some meat on the grill. My problem is, I found this very tender cut of toy poodle, and I need to know how to cook it. I have BBQ'd ewok, bantha, chicken and beef, but I don't have any idea what flavors go best with poodle. Maybe a citrus marinade or a ginger rub? Not a lot of meat on this guy, but I assume the leg met is a lot like chicken wings and will get pretty tender if kept moist? If anyone has any advice, let me know. I want this poodle to taste delicious.

Obi-Wan Likes the iPhone?

It appears that the cagey Steve Jobs has hired Obi-Wan to slander the DROID. What a sellout that Obi-Wan is. First of all, I know he loves the Google Android operating system. He would always brag to iPhone owners that his phone's OS was more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Fact is, Obi-Wan would endorse anything for money. For about 6 months during the rebellion he had a ridiculous dark beard, turns out he was endorsing the Just For Men Beard Color System. Wasn't fooling anyone. He even endorsed the Garmin GPS device and installed it in his transport. Umm, hello, weren't you the one telling everyone to "Use the Force?" Bottom line, Obi-Wan is a sellout, and I'm glad I struck him down before he started endorsing male enhancement pills and embarrassing all of us.

Sexy Tuesday

It's been a while since we had sexy Star Wars day. I apologize for the picture above, it has elements of sexiness, and elements of not-exactly sexiness. Maybe focus on the right side of that picture. This Leia impersonator is giving Adrienne Curry a run for the crown of sexiest Leia impersonator. Here is another, her name is Paula Labaredas and I think she may be the next Padme.

Is it OK for me to stare at sexy impersonations of my daughter? I don't know if it is weird, but until someone tells me, I'm going to keep on doing it.

So I know that it is weird to find a woman dressed as yourself attractive, but what are you going to do. It is hot. I am a good looking guy, and that transfers across the sexes.

Can't argue there, if we had these posters back in the day, I have a feeling Luke might have been a little easier to convince.

9 Expressions of Darth Vader

I was always crying on the inside...

--DD

(via: sonandheirofnothinginparticular)

Camping on Endor

Have you ever had warm Ewok on a Graham cracker with chocolate melted on it? That'll make you forget the pain of a dead wife and estranged kids pretty quickly. The hardest part about roasting Ewoks on a campfire is that if you put them too close to the flame, their hair catches on fire, but if you hold them too far away, the middle never gets warm. You gotta find hot embers to put them near, get them golden brown and pull them out before they light up. I could sit around a campfire all night. I love a good ghost story, although most of them end with some dead Jedi coming back and scaring everyone saying "Use the Force," but just being out in nature is enough for me.

Funny Lego Vader Video

They got one thing right here, I love asking people "Do you know who I am?" when I don't get my way. Most people roll their eyes, mumble Darth Vader and tell me to wait in line just like everyone else, but I like to give it a shot. Fact is, I barely have the heart to kill anyone with a force choke anymore. At worst, I will make your throat feel a little snug, like wearing a small turtleneck, but I just don't have the energy to go around killing people. So I usually just head to the end of the line and wait like a pathetic Storm Trooper.

Occasionally, I will recite a catch phrase from my Death Star days, but it's really not worth it. Telling a Taco Bell employee "I have altered the deal, pray I don't alter it any further," when you want a free Chalupa seems like a tough guy act, but more often then not, you just end up with spit in your taco and nothing for free. I got arrested last week when a mall cop saw me stealing a pair of cargo shorts from The GAP. I thought I could intimidate him when he put his taser down by saying, "you are unwise to lower your defenses!" He just picked it up again and gave me 10,000 volts to the scrotum. So that went well.

Also, if I ever have grandchildren who will talk to me, I am definitely getting them a set of Star Wars Legos that include Jar Jar. In fact, since I can't get funding for Death Star III, maybe I will just build one out of Legos, blow up a pretend Endor with it and feel like a successful Dark Lord for 15 minutes of my pathetic life.

Via

Sexy Leia Carwash

Has Leia fallen this far? I admit I wasn't always there for her, and I know most porn stars grow up in bad family situations, so maybe I am partly to blame. I just wish she would use her mind more. Her mitichlorian count has to be pretty high, and she seemed like a pretty good rebel leader. There has gotta be something she can do that doesn't involve selling her body like this, but I will say, it certainly looks like she is keeping up with her yoga, no?
From: BarstoolSports

Ham Solo

If that isn't a no good, stuck up, scruffy looking nerf ham, I don't know what is. I like that someone, somewhere took a perfectly good piece of ham and spent quite a bit of time making tiny a costume to turn their ham into Han Solo. The craftsmanship on that vest is exquisite, and that toupee must have taken professional stylists a few weeks to perfect. I really like the background. That looks like a 5th grade individual head shot backdrop. Too bad they didn't spend the extra $3 and get one with the lasers, that always looked cool. All in all, great Ham Solo.

From: Skuyum

Charlie Brown Winning

Does this mean I need to trademark my thoughts too? Just kidding. My cold, dead heart even laughed a little at this.
From: Peanuttweeter

Lightsabers

I know from experience that you can rule out "Save the Galaxy." That's for bleeding-heart do-gooders and rebel scum. I tried "Sell to Highest Bidder," but eBay and Amazon kept taking down my posts as an "Unsafe Listing." "Become a Ruthless Killer" seems pretty reasonable to me, but I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone.
What really strikes me is the likelihood of "Immediate, Accidental Self-Dismemberment." As Star Wars fans, you all remember me cutting Luke's hand off, and Dooku cutting mine off, but the majority of lightsaber injuries are actually accidental. I can't tell you how many insurance deductibles we had to pay from some stupid Storm Trooper seeing my lightsaber, treating it like a toy and slashing another Storm Trooper's arm off. At BBQ's, I would set my lightsaber up as a bug zapper, but inevitably, someone would have too many Arnold Palmers and stumble into it losing an ear or finger in the process. I even took a few trips to the Death Star infirmary after trying to use my lightsaber to slice a bagel before having my morning coffee. All told, this graph is probably reasonably representative, and would be more convincing if the designer hadn't done it in crayon.

From: DawgFarker

I'm Not That Impressed

"The Office of Naval Research has been working away on a suite of futuristic weapons, but it's hard to think of anything that could out-gun its free-electron laser, which by the mid 2020s, should be capable of slicing straight through 2,000 feet of steel every second."

So I toil away, homeless, alone and hungry, while the US Navy is touting the fact that they developed a weapon my Empire had years ago. In fact, long, long ago. I know the rebels stole the plans for the Death Star, but its not like we didn't have a few copies too, and as the leader of the project, I saw them a couple times. I also built a droid and a pod-racer before age 10, so I am pretty sure I could handle explaining how to build a fancy little laser that blows up planets. So US Navy, before you blow your whole budget on figuring out how to attach that giant laser to an orbiting, moon-sized space station, give me a call. I have a couple insights and I will work for cheap. Especially if you let me use the laser on weekends to settle a few scores. Coming for you Yoda.

Via

Ask Darth 3

  

Sorry for the delay in the Ask Darth posts. Things get a little dicey around tax time in the Vader household. Apparently you can't deduct Death Star construction materials, but somehow I still own $5.8 mill in penalties because I wasn't paying the stormtroopers. As far as I'm concerned letting those lazy bastards live was payment enough considering how useless they were. Please send questions to DVader3333@gmail.com with "Ask Darth" in the subject line. Here we go:


Dear Darth, my once great allies the Trandoshans, have turned on me and my army is having trouble taking up the responsibilities that the Trandos once had. Do you have any advice? -Elegost

This is not the way I envisioned this blog starting. Umm, what?

(Editors Note: I Googled Elegost and found out he is a lord of the rings character.  I'm trying to solve real problems and this guy is asking lord of the rings questions. Darth is getting upset and we are 1 question in...)

This is What I'm Dealing With

I mean are you even trying? Seriously? At least pretend to care about your jobs, I don't think that's too much to ask. People wonder how I got where I am today? Well this is the sort of effort that lead to the empire's downfall.  Just outright disdain for my authority. The worst part is I couldn't even fire these guys because of their damn unions. You may think force-choking is harsh, but it's easier to beat a murder rap in the empire than actually fire someone. Upside-down world I lived in I guess. I actually found this on a stormtrooper's blog too, just laughing right in my face.

Terrifying

This is by far the scariest thing I have ever seen. Two chicks on a baseball field, zzzzziiiiinnngggg!!

Wookies...Who Needs 'Em

This is why I never allowed Wookies on the Death Star: loud,
combative, and most of them aren't potty trained.

Darth Got Busted

Darth Vader Vs. Japanese Police - The most popular videos are a click away

This is what it has come to. You think this is a parody, but this happened last Thursday. You see how slow that gun was moving? That is literally all I have left. But, that second video where the guy breaks the lightsaber was total fabrication. His hand would literally be severed off, so let's just hold the phone right there. Darth isn't what he used to be, but grabbing a lightsaber is still grabbing a lightsaber. The cops were surprisingly gentle considering they were arresting me for force-tripping joggers in the park. Hey, a Darth's gotta do what a Darth's gotta do right?

Times are tough...

 

This is from the folks over at www.generallyawesome.com. Thanks for catching me just waking up from a nap. Yeah, that's right I wasn't going to the bathroom I was napping. It was raining out and if the union is going to pay me time and a half for over-time, turns out I am going to take advantage of that ten times out of ten. So, next time you have the option of getting the premium porto-potties versus your basic hole in the ground kind, opt for the cheaper one b/c the seats in this palace are way to comfortable not to nod off for an hour or four.
---DD

Charlie Sheen Wars?

As I just tweeted I am already completely tired of this whole Charlie Sheen thing. If another person finishes a mundane statement about something they did today with the phrase "winning" or sends me another chain email with the best of Charlie Sheen's quotes from the past couple weeks, I am going to lose my mind. No one has tiger blood, no one is going to take Charlie Sheen before they go to a party this weekend and melt their face off. Most of us will finish work Friday, grab Taco Bell on the way home, drink a couple Miller Lights and fall asleep watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Not exactly a bitchin' rock star from Mars partying with porn stars and cocaine.


That being said, this movie is pretty awesome. When you have a funny, bi-polar actor on drugs going insane, and you add in the most bad-ass villain in the history of cinema, you get something great. I say watch it, revel in my glory, get your last laughs in at these Charlie Sheen quotes, and then lets all move on.


Video via - Tatooine_


Also funny - Charlie Sheen Quotes As Told By Superheroes

This is Why the Empire Fell

You people see what I am working with here? When those guys have all of their gear on, you could mistake them for a lean, mean fighting machine. This is what they really look like. Little secret, the Death Star was near bankruptcy when Luke finally put us out of our misery, mostly because we were spending $75 per day on our Stormtrooper's fast food habits. It was Tarkin's idea to put a full food court in, that guy loved Panda Express. Do you know much gasoline it takes to keep a moon sized space station with thousands of morbidly obese soldiers in orbit? After we destroyed the rebel base on Endor, our next move was going to be to attack Iraq and liberate their oil fields for Empire use. By the end, I was force choking guys because we couldn't afford to buy any more XXL Stormtrooper armor. My suggestion for this guy is to get involved in some outdoor activities, maybe go for a jog, do a couple sit-ups or take a long walk. But for god sakes, put some clothes on.

Oscar Predictions

Tonight is the big night for everyone in the movie business, I bet Charlie Sheen's apartment looks like Hoth right now. I apply every year to be a seat filler and get rejected for the same stupid reason. They say my shiny black head would stick out on TV, yet I see Mace Windu there every year, go figure. I don't see too many movies, but I thought I would put my predictions out there because that seems to be what people with blogs do these days.

Best Picture: Black Swan. The main actress in that movie seems oddly familiar. I could see us dating and possibly having twins together. I liked Inception, but I could never tell whether I had dozed off or if that was part of the movie. 127 Hours just doesn't impress me, guy only lost one arm and no burns and he's some hero for surviving? The Social Network was ok, but if you are going to make a movie about a social network, why do Facebook instead of Friendster, isn't everyone slowly moving to Friendster? I used to watch a porn on Hoth that I think was called Winter's Bone, I hope this isn't the same movie.


Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. This is really a makeup award for when he got screwed out of Best Actor in Big Lebowski. Everyone liked True Grit, but I couldn't understand a word Mr. Bridges was saying in that movie. I have never even heard of Biutiful, is that a typo in that name? I never saw the King's Speech, sounds like the kind of movie that critics would like and normal people would walk out of after 20 minutes. 


Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. To be honest, I liked him a lot more in American Psycho, I used to blast Huey Lewis and the News before force choking my girlfriends. I am ready to forgive him for stealing my outfit for Batman, so I think he wins this. Jeremy Renner was much better in The Hurt Locker, I was kind of hoping he would fail to detonate a bomb in The Town and the movie would just end. Saw the first 15 minutes of The Kids are Alright. That movie was not alright at all, it was terrible and slow and there were no lightsaber duels.


Best Actress: Natalie Portman. I mean we are still technically married. Seeing her with Mila Kunis in the Black Swan sex scene was amazing, I just wish she'd have invited me along. I haven't seen these other movies, but Rabbit Hole sounds like a really bad pornography, so with Winter's Bone and Rabbit Hole, we got a real porny sounding Best Actress movie list.


Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld. I'm surprised Justin Timberlake wasn't nominated for this one from his turn in The Social Network, so I guess I will go with Hailee.

Picture Breakdown: Star Wars Wedding

There is so much wrong going on here, I just don't even know where to begin.

1. Why would this guy chose Admiral Ackbar as the character to portray on the most important day of his life.  Really? Some secondary Star Wars character who only appears in one movie? Maybe aim a little higher? Try Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker, even Han Solo would be alright. You are dressed as a human sized crustacean that looks like he should be cut up and brought to a lobster bake.  I mean, your kids are already going to think you were a huge loser, so why not pick a character casual fans will at least recognize and respect.

2. I guess even Slave Leia can become a registered justice of the peace these days, but needless to say, that does not do a lot to class up the proceedings. Good news is, with that mask the groom can secretly stare at her exposed chest while he promises to protect his new wife in sickness and in health.

3. Is the bride in some kind of a terrible Leia costume? It doesn't even look like it to me, I think she may be attempting to opt out of the Star Wars theme here. Newsflash, if your husband is dressing up in a rubber Admiral Ackbar mask and your minister is Slave Leia, wearing the nice white dress you dreamt about as young girl isn't convincing anyone you got married in a nice traditional, white wedding.

4. At least they found a pine tree for the middle of their altar to provide a brown, rather dull background. Nobody would want flowers or a nice sunset ruining the Forest Moon of Endor theme they've got going, so good for them.

Don't get me wrong, I wish these two the best, my marriage worked out great and I'm sure yours will too.

Top 10 Mildly Funny Nerds (And Me)

So today, on a blog I have never heard of, by a guy who definitely doesn't spend most of his time in his basement playing with action figures at age 33, I got the honorable mention spot in the Top 10 Most Hilariously Evil Villians on Twitter. He said that I "somehow manage to be homeless, sad and humorous all at the same time," which I think is probably true. It is actually a pretty nice honor, and I hate to admit it, but it is probably the best thing that has happened to me since that time I farted while Palpatine was walking behind me and yawning so that the stench filled his disgusting little mouth.

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope everyone is having a better Valentine's Day than I am, maybe on a romantic date or at home with some Champagne and a sexy lady wearing a golden bikini. The only Valentine I got this year was this card from a Stormtrooper. While I am flattered, there are two issues. First, I'm not gay, and I don't recall any female Stormtroopers, although the Empire may have changed its policies since I left. Second, how am I supposed to know which Stormtrooper this is from? White helmet, white body armor, medium height and no signature, could be any one of them. So if my mystery Stormtrooptress Valentine is out there, please get in touch. I am very lonely and have very low standards, so you don't need to worry about rejection on my end.

via http://captain-disaster.tumblr.com/

Darth Vader Super Bowl Commercial

First off, Volkswagen is using my likeness, playing my song and making a joke about my religion and you know how much money I get from this? $0. George Lucas is probably buying himself a new gold-plated rollercoaster for Skywalker Ranch. As the oldest living Skywalker, you would think I might get something for those naming rights too, but Lucas won't even reply to my texts. 

Second, a message for the kid. I love your hustle, love the outfit, keep at it. If I am being honest, I am not sure the Force is strong with this one, but maybe you could eventually become a Stormtrooper or take a desk job with the Evil Empire.

Sexy Star Wars Tattoo

While this tattoo gets me a little excited, I really don't appreciate this floozy celebrating the impending death of thousands of hard working empire employees. That was a hard day for anybody with a friend or family member working at the Death Star. After a few kids and some stretch marks, this thing is going to look more like the Death Star after Luke attacked. Then that tattoo stops being sexy and becomes an indistinguishable birthmark. So, best of luck to you sweetheart, make sure you think long and hard the next time you're drunk and want a Millennium Falcon tramp stamp.